Трое в лодке, не считая собаки / Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)
000
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Иллюстрации М. М. Салтыкова
© Матвеев С. А., подготовка текста, комментарии, словарь
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Chapter I
There were four of us – George, and William Samuel Harris[1], and myself, and Montmorency[2]. We were sitting in my room, smoking, and talking about how bad we were – bad from a medical point of view, of course.
We were all feeling bad, and we were quite nervous about it. Harris said he had such a very bad headache that he hardly knew what he was doing. And then George said that he had a headache too. As for me, it was my liver that was out of order. I read about the various symptoms of a sick liver in a circular that offered liver-pills. I had them all.
It is a most extraordinary thing, but when I read a medicine advertisement I usually come to the conclusion that I am suffering from the disease that was described.
One day I went to the British Museum to read about hay fever [3], I fancy I had it [4]. I took the book, and read all I needed; and then I idly turned the leaves, and began to study diseases, generally. Immediately I understood that I had some fearful, devastating illness.
I sat for a while, frozen with horror; and then, in despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever [5] – read the symptoms – discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it – wondered what else I had got; turned up St. Vitus’s Dance [6] – found, as I expected, that I had that too, – and so started alphabetically. I had every malady they wrote about! The only malady I had not got was housemaid’s knee [7].
I felt rather hurt about this at first. Why hadn’t I got housemaid’s knee? After a while, however, I reflected that I had every other known malady in the pharmacology, and I grew less selfish, and determined to do without housemaid’s knee. There were no more diseases after zymosis [8], so I concluded there was nothing else the matter with me [9].
I thought what an interesting case I must be from a medical point of view! Students would have no need to ‘walk the hospitals’, if they had me. I was a hospital in myself. All they need do would be to walk round me, and, after that, take their diploma.
Then I wondered how long I had to live. I tried to examine myself. I felt my pulse. I could not at first feel any pulse at all. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to start off [10]. I pulled out my watch. I made it a hundred and forty-seven to the minute. I tried to feel my heart. I could not feel my heart. It had stopped beating. I could not feel or hear anything. I had walked into that reading-room a happy, healthy man. I crawled out a decrepit wreck [11].
I went to my doctor. He is an old friend of mine, and feels my pulse, and looks at my tongue, and talks about the weather. “What a doctor wants,” I said, “is practice. He shall have me.” So he said:
“Well, what’s the matter with you?”
I said:
“I will not take up your time with telling you what is the matter with me. But I will tell you what is not the matter with me. I have not got housemaid’s knee. Why I have not got housemaid’s knee, I cannot tell you; but the fact remains that I have not got it. Everything else, however, I have got.”
Then he examined me, and then he hit me over the chest when I wasn’t expecting it. After that, he sat down and wrote out a prescription, and folded it up and gave it me, and I put it in my pocket and went out.
I did not open it. I took it to the nearest chemist’s [12], and handed it in. The man read it, and then handed it back.
I read the prescription. It said:
“1 lb. [13] beefsteak, with 1 pt. [14] bitter beer every 6 hours.
1 ten-mile walk every morning.
1 bed at 11 sharp every night.”
I followed the directions, with the happy result – my life was saved, and is still going on.
But going back to the liver-pill circular, I had the symptoms, beyond all mistake, the chief among them being ‘a general disinclination to work of any kind [15]’.
What I suffer in that way no tongue can tell [16]. From my earliest infancy I have been a martyr to it. As a boy, the disease hardly ever left me for a day. My family did not know, then, that it was my liver. Medical science was in a far less advanced state than now, and they thought it was laziness.
“Are you still sleeping,” they would say, “get up and do something for your living, can’t you?” – not knowing, of course, that I was ill.
We sat there for half-an-hour, describing to each other our maladies. I explained to George and William Harris how I felt when I got up in the morning, and William Harris told us how he felt when he went to bed; and George told us how he felt in the night.
Suddenly, Mrs. Poppets [17] knocked at the door to know if we were ready for supper. We smiled sadly, and decided to eat a little.
I seemed took no interest in my my food an unusual thing for me – and didn’t want any usual thing for me – and I didn’t want any cheese.
We refilled our glasses, lit our pipes, and resumed the discussion upon our state of health.
“What we want is rest,” said Harris.
“Rest and a complete change,” said George. “The overstrain upon our brains has produced a general depression. Changes and absence of the necessity for thought will restore the mental equilibrium.”
“If you want rest and change,” said Harris, “let’s make a sea trip.”
I objected to the sea trip strongly. I was afraid for George. George said that he felt sure we should both be ill.
It is a curious fact, but nobody ever is seasick – on land. At sea, you come across [18] plenty of people very bad indeed, whole boat of them; but I never met a man yet, on land, who had ever known at all what it was to be sea-sick.
For myself [19], I have discovered an excellent preventive against sea-sickness, in balancing myself. You stand in the centre of the deck, and you move your body about, so as to keep it always straight. When the front of the ship rises, you lean forward, till the deck almost touches your nose; and when its back end gets up, you lean backwards. This is all very well for an hour or two; but you can’t balance yourself for a week.
George said:
“Let’s go up the river.”
He said we should have fresh air, exercise and quiet; and the hard work would give us a good appetite, and make us sleep well.
Harris said he didn’t think George ought to do anything that would make him sleepier than he always was, as it might be dangerous. He might just as well be dead, and so save his board and lodging [20].
Harris and I both said it was a good idea of George’s. The only one who was not struck with the suggestion was Montmorency.
“It’s all very well for you fellows,” he says; “you like it, but I don’t. There’s nothing for me to do. If you ask me, I call the whole thing foolishness.”
We were three to one [21], however.
Chapter II
We pulled out the maps, and discussed plans. We arranged to start on the following Saturday from Kingston [22]. Harris and I would go down in the morning, and take the boat up to Chertsey [23], and George would meet us there.
Should we ‘camp out’ or sleep at inns?
George and I were for camping out. We said it would be so wild and free, so patriarchal.
Harris said:
“How about when it rained?”
Camping out in rainy weather is not pleasant. We therefore decided that we would sleep out on fine nights; and in hotels and inns, like respectable folks, when it was wet. Montmorency approved this compromise. To look at Montmorency you would imagine that he was an angel sent upon the earth, for some reason in the shape of a small fox-terrier. When first he came to live with me, I never thought I should be able to have him long. I used to sit down and look at him, and think: “Oh, that dog will never live.” But I was wrong.
To hang about a stable, and collect a gang of the most disreputable dogs [24] to be found in the town, and lead them out to fight other disreputable dogs, is Montmorency’s idea of ‘life’.
Harris proposed that we should go out and get a drop of good Irish whiskey.
George said he felt thirsty (I never knew George when he didn’t); and we put on our hats and went out.
- Грозовой перевал / Wuthering Heights
- Приключения Тома Сойера / The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
- Алиса в стране чудес / Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса. Пестрая лента / The Adventure of the Speckled Band
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Собака Баскервилей / The Hound of the Baskervilles
- Сказки / Fairy Tales
- Щенок Прыг и его друзья / Pop the Puppy and His Friends
- Питер Пен / Peter Pan
- Рассказы / Short Stories
- Портрет Дориана Грея / The Picture of Dorian Gray
- Принц и нищий / The Prince and the Pauper
- Красавица и чудовище / The Beauty and the Beast
- Гордость и предубеждение / Pride and Prejudice
- Всадник без головы / The Headless Horseman
- Золушка. Спящая красавица. Рапунцель / Cinderella. The Sleeping Beauty. Rapunzel
- Английские сказки / English Fairy Tales. Алиса в стране чудес / Alice's Adventures In Wonderland. Удивительный волшебник из страны Оз / The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
- Остров сокровищ / Treasure Island. Питер Пен / Peter Pan
- Рассказы / Short Stories. Собака Баскервилей / The Hound of the Baskervilles
- Портрет Дориана Грея / The Picture of Dorian Grey. Великий Гэтсби / The Great Gatsby
- Удивительный волшебник из страны Оз / The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
- Похищенный / Kidnapped
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Пляшущие человечки / The Adventure of the Dancing Men
- Алиса в Зазеркалье / Through the Looking-glass, and What Alice Found There
- Робинзон Крузо / Robinson Crusoe
- Кот в сапогах. Красная шапочка / Puss in Boots. Little Red Riding Hood
- Красавица и чудовище. Золушка. Спящая красавица. Рапунцель. Волшебная лампа Аладдина / The Beauty and the Beast. Cinderella. The Sleeping Beauty. Rapunzel. The Story of Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp
- Great Expectations / Большие надежды
- The Three Little Pigs / Три поросенка и другие сказки
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса / The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (сборник)
- Принцесса Кентербери и другие английские легенды / Princess of Canterbury (сборник)
- Гордость и предубеждение / Pride and Prejudice. Большие надежды / Great Expectations
- Белый клык / White Fang
- Айвенго / Ivanhoe
- The Call of the Wild / Зов предков
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Человек с рассеченной губой / The Man with the Twisted Lip
- Любимые английские сказки / My Favourite English Fairy Tales
- The Woman in White / Женщина в белом
- The Lost World / Затерянный мир
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Союз Рыжих / The Red-Headed League
- English Legends / Английские легенды
- English Fairy Tales / Английские сказки
- Best English Jokes / Лучшие английские анекдоты
- Short Funny Stories / Самые смешные рассказы
- Волшебная лампа Аладдина / The Story of Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp
- Загадочная история Бенджамина Баттона / The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Джейн Эйр / Jane Eyre
- Английские анекдоты / English Jokes
- Английский с улыбкой. Охотничьи рассказы / Tales of the Long Bow
- Маленькая принцесса / A Little Princess
- Лучшие истории о любви / Best love stories
- Лучшие английские сказки / Best english fairy tales
- Мартин Иден / Martin Eden
- Английские сказки для мальчиков / English Fairy Tales for Boys
- Английские сказки для девочек / English Fairy Tales for Girls
- Поллианна / Pollyanna
- Лучшие смешные рассказы / Best Funny Stories
- Самые лучшие английские легенды / The Best English Legends
- Лучшие английские легенды / The Best English Legends
- Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes
- Самые лучшие английские сказки / The best english fairy tales
- Дракула / Dracula
- Смешные рассказы / The Funny Stories
- Сердца трёх / Hearts of three
- Лучшие любовные истории / The Best Love Stories
- Кентервильское привидение / The Canterville Ghost
- Путешествие к центру Земли / A journey to the centre of the Earth
- Сказки дядюшки Римуса / Tales of Uncle Remus
- The Call of Cthulhu / Зов Ктулху
- The Old Curiosity Shop / Лавка древностей
- Таинственный остров / Mysterious Island
- Маленькая хозяйка большого дома / The Little Lady Of The Big House
- The Code of the Woosters / Фамильная честь Вустеров
- Остров сокровищ / Treasure Island
- Вокруг света за 80 дней / Around the World in 80 Days
- Эмма / Emma
- Записки о Шерлоке Холмсе: Союз рыжих. Человек с рассеченной губой / The Red-Headed League. The Man With The Twisted Lip
- Снежная королева / The Snow Queen
- Этот неподражаемый Дживс! / The Inimitable Jeeves
- Маленький принц / The Little Prince
- Дети капитана Гранта / The Children of Captain Grant
- Коралина / Coraline
- Алиса в Зазеркалье / Through the Looking-glass, and What Alice Found There
- Великий Гэтсби / The Great Gatsby
- Двадцать тысяч лье под водой / Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea
- Собор Парижской богоматери / Notre-Dame de Paris
- Странник по звездам / The Star-Rover
- Рассказы / Short Stories
- Призрак оперы / The Phantom of the Opera
- Трое в лодке, не считая собаки / Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)
- Повелитель мух / Lord of the Flies
- Странная история доктора Джекила и мистера Хайда / Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
- Котенок Пушистик / Fluffy the Kitten
- Легенда о Сонной Лощине / The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
- О дивный новый мир / Brave New World. 4 уровень
- Русские сказки на английском языке / Russian Fairy Tales
- Romeo and Juliet. Othello / Ромео и Джульетта. Отелло
- The Beautiful and Damned / Прекрасные и обреченные. Уровень 4
- The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen / Приключения барона Мюнхгаузена. Уровень 1
- Сердца трех / Hearts of three. Уровень 3
- Пятнадцатилетний капитан / Dick Sand. A Captain at Fifteen. Уровень 2
- Синяя птица / The blue Bird. Уровень 1
- Маленькие женщины / Little Women. Уровень 3
- Этюд в багровых тонах / A Study in Scarlet
- Сказки / Fairy Tales. Уровень 1
- Таинственный остров / The Mysterious Island. Уровень 3
- Великий Гэтсби / The Great Gatsby. Уровень 5
- Все приключения Шерлока Холмса. Сборник. Уровень 2
- Сборник лучших английских сказок. Уровень 1
- Gone with the Wind / Унесённые ветром. Уровень 3
- Сборник лучших произведений американской классической литературы. Уровень 4
- Сборник лучших произведений английской классической литературы. Уровень 3
- Funny stories / Сборник лучших смешных рассказов. Уровень 2
- H. C. Andersen best fairy tales / Лучшие сказки Г.Х. Андерсена. Уровень 1
- Приключения Пиноккио / The adventures of Pinocchio. Уровень 1
- Страшные сказки / Scary stories
- Франкенштейн, или Современный Прометей / Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus. Уровень 2
- Хорошие жёны / Good wives. Уровень 3
- Скорбь сатаны / The sorrows of Satan. Уровень 4
- Таинственный сад / The secret garden
- Вокруг света за 80 дней / Around the World in Eighty Days
- Человек, который смеется / The Man Who Laughs. Уровень 4
- The Haunted Hotel / Отель с привидениями
- Финансист / The Financier
- Wuthering Heights / Грозовой перевал. Уровень 3
- Animal farm / Скотный двор. Уровень 2
- Sense and Sensibility / Чувство и чувствительность. Уровень 3
- Зов Ктулху / The Call of Cthulhu. Уровень 2
- Маленькие мужчины / Little men. Уровень 4
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs / Белоснежка и семь гномов. Уровень 1
- Сельский вампир и другие истории Отца Брауна / Vampire of the Village and other Father Brown Stories. Уровень 3
- Princess of Mars / Принцесса Марса. Уровень 2
- Таинственный остров / The Mysterious Island. Уровень 2
- Золотой жук. Уровень 1 / The Gold-bug
- Сборник самых известных английских легенд. Уровень 1
- Маленький Лорд Фаунтлерой. Уровень 1 / Little Lord Fauntleroy
- Энн из Зеленых Крыш. Уровень 1 / Anne of Green Gables
- Искусство войны. Уровень 2 / The Art of War
- Эмма. Уровень 3 / Emma
- The Story of Doctor Dolittle / История Доктора Дулиттла. Уровень 1
- The War of the Worlds / Война миров. Уровень 2
- Клуб самоубийц. Уровень 2 / The Suicide Club
- Мертвая комната. Уровень 2 / The Dead Secret
- Лучшие сказки загадочной Шотландии. Уровень 1 / The Best Tales of Enchanted Scotland
- Незнакомка из Уайлдфелл-Холла. Уровень 2 / The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
- На маяк. Уровень 3 / To the Lighthouse
- Сказки про кролика Питера. Уровень 1 / The Tale of Peter Rabbit
- Убийство на улице Морг. Уровень 1 / The Murders in the Rue Morgue
- Большие надежды. Уровень 2 / Great Expectations
- Сердце тьмы. Уровень 2 / Heart of Darkness
- Поворот винта. Уровень 1 / The Turn of the Screw
- Кельтские сумерки. Уровень 1 / The Celtic Twilight
- Дом с привидениями. Уровень 2 / A Haunted House