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Подготовка текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь С. А. Матвеева
© ООО «Издательство АСТ», 2017
Английские анекдоты и шутки
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, «Does your dog bite?»
The shopkeeper says, «No, my dog does not bite.»
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
«Ouch![1]» he says, «But you say your dog does not bite!»
The shopkeeper replies, «That is not my dog.»
* * *
A gloomy colonel was taking a walk in a park. He saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. The lieutenant noticed the colonel from a distance, and hid himself behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asked:
«Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?»
«Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir,» answered the lieutenant.
* * *
A man went into a pet shop one day. «I want to buy a parrot that talks,» he said.
«I’m sorry sir, but you have to teach[2] your parrot to speak.»
So he chose a parrot and took it home with him. Two weeks later he returned to the pet shop.
«My parrot still doesn’t speak,» he said.
«Ah, that’s a shame. Buy this mirror. He’ll look at himself, and talk.»
The man bought the mirror and went away. Two weeks later he returned again.
«My parrot is dead,» he said.
«I’m sorry, sir – but tell me, before he died, did he say anything?»
«Yes he did. But only one word.»
«Really? Which word was that?»
«Foood!»
* * *
Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle[3] – information goes in and then it is never found again.
* * *
– Why did you leave your last job?
– The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
* * *
Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on.[4] He found they were far too long. He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. «The new trousers are too long,» he said. «They need shortening.[5] Can you do it for me, please?»
The dinner was over and his mother shortened the trousers. But she did not mention about it to her daughters.
Then the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind person and wanted to help her brother, so she considerably shortened the trousers.
When the younger sister returned home from the cinema, she suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off[6] each leg of the new trousers.
* * *
Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: You will go to jail.
* * *
An energetic American tourist came to visit the Warwick Castle[7] in England. When the doorkeeper appeared, the American was studying his guide-book.
«Tell me,» the American said to the caretaker, «is that famous vase still here?» (shows its photo in the guide-book).
«Yes, sir,» was the reply.
«And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?»
«Yes, sir.»
«And do you still have that portrait of Charles I?[8]»
«Oh yes, sir,» said the doorkeeper, «they are all here. Will you come in and see them?»
«No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,» replied the visitor. «As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums. Good-bye.» And he hurried away.[9]
* * *
A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted[10]». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».
* * *
Men go shopping[11] to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out[12] what they want.
* * *
– Hi, Mary! How was your school today? – You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!
* * *
Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.
* * *
Teacher to doctor’s daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctor’s daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.
* * *
If a single teacher can’t teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?
* * *
Boy: Our principal[13] is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).
* * *
It takes[14] 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!
* * *
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
* * *
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
* * *
John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. «Hey, what are you doing in there?» «I’m riding a bus.» «That’s a stupid answer!» «That’s a stupid question!»
* * *
– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.
* * *
One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.
* * *
«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16]». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»
* * *
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17]
* * *
The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
* * *
A young girl once asked Mark Twain[18] if he liked books for Christmas gifts. «Well, that depends,[19]» answered the great humorist, «if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop.[20] If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table.[21] A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.[22]»
* * *
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
* * *
A bewhiskered[23] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap,[24] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:
– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off?[25]
* * *
A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come[26] from under the bed. «Is there someone there?» he asked absently. «No, professor,» answered the thief. «That is strange,» muttered the professor. «I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.»
* * *
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher[27] and a guy with a Chihuahua.[28] The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,
– Just follow me.
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on[29] a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,
– Sorry, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,
- Грозовой перевал / Wuthering Heights
- Приключения Тома Сойера / The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
- Алиса в стране чудес / Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса. Пестрая лента / The Adventure of the Speckled Band
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Собака Баскервилей / The Hound of the Baskervilles
- Сказки / Fairy Tales
- Щенок Прыг и его друзья / Pop the Puppy and His Friends
- Питер Пен / Peter Pan
- Рассказы / Short Stories
- Портрет Дориана Грея / The Picture of Dorian Gray
- Принц и нищий / The Prince and the Pauper
- Красавица и чудовище / The Beauty and the Beast
- Гордость и предубеждение / Pride and Prejudice
- Всадник без головы / The Headless Horseman
- Золушка. Спящая красавица. Рапунцель / Cinderella. The Sleeping Beauty. Rapunzel
- Английские сказки / English Fairy Tales. Алиса в стране чудес / Alice's Adventures In Wonderland. Удивительный волшебник из страны Оз / The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
- Остров сокровищ / Treasure Island. Питер Пен / Peter Pan
- Рассказы / Short Stories. Собака Баскервилей / The Hound of the Baskervilles
- Портрет Дориана Грея / The Picture of Dorian Grey. Великий Гэтсби / The Great Gatsby
- Удивительный волшебник из страны Оз / The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
- Похищенный / Kidnapped
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Пляшущие человечки / The Adventure of the Dancing Men
- Алиса в Зазеркалье / Through the Looking-glass, and What Alice Found There
- Робинзон Крузо / Robinson Crusoe
- Кот в сапогах. Красная шапочка / Puss in Boots. Little Red Riding Hood
- Красавица и чудовище. Золушка. Спящая красавица. Рапунцель. Волшебная лампа Аладдина / The Beauty and the Beast. Cinderella. The Sleeping Beauty. Rapunzel. The Story of Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp
- Great Expectations / Большие надежды
- The Three Little Pigs / Три поросенка и другие сказки
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса / The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (сборник)
- Принцесса Кентербери и другие английские легенды / Princess of Canterbury (сборник)
- Гордость и предубеждение / Pride and Prejudice. Большие надежды / Great Expectations
- Белый клык / White Fang
- Айвенго / Ivanhoe
- The Call of the Wild / Зов предков
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Человек с рассеченной губой / The Man with the Twisted Lip
- Любимые английские сказки / My Favourite English Fairy Tales
- The Woman in White / Женщина в белом
- The Lost World / Затерянный мир
- Приключения Шерлока Холмса: Союз Рыжих / The Red-Headed League
- English Legends / Английские легенды
- English Fairy Tales / Английские сказки
- Best English Jokes / Лучшие английские анекдоты
- Short Funny Stories / Самые смешные рассказы
- Волшебная лампа Аладдина / The Story of Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp
- Загадочная история Бенджамина Баттона / The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
- Джейн Эйр / Jane Eyre
- Английские анекдоты / English Jokes
- Английский с улыбкой. Охотничьи рассказы / Tales of the Long Bow
- Маленькая принцесса / A Little Princess
- Лучшие истории о любви / Best love stories
- Лучшие английские сказки / Best english fairy tales
- Мартин Иден / Martin Eden
- Английские сказки для мальчиков / English Fairy Tales for Boys
- Английские сказки для девочек / English Fairy Tales for Girls
- Поллианна / Pollyanna
- Лучшие смешные рассказы / Best Funny Stories
- Самые лучшие английские легенды / The Best English Legends
- Лучшие английские легенды / The Best English Legends
- Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes
- Самые лучшие английские сказки / The best english fairy tales
- Дракула / Dracula
- Смешные рассказы / The Funny Stories
- Сердца трёх / Hearts of three
- Лучшие любовные истории / The Best Love Stories
- Кентервильское привидение / The Canterville Ghost
- Путешествие к центру Земли / A journey to the centre of the Earth
- Сказки дядюшки Римуса / Tales of Uncle Remus
- The Call of Cthulhu / Зов Ктулху
- The Old Curiosity Shop / Лавка древностей
- Таинственный остров / Mysterious Island
- Маленькая хозяйка большого дома / The Little Lady Of The Big House
- The Code of the Woosters / Фамильная честь Вустеров
- Остров сокровищ / Treasure Island
- Вокруг света за 80 дней / Around the World in 80 Days
- Эмма / Emma
- Записки о Шерлоке Холмсе: Союз рыжих. Человек с рассеченной губой / The Red-Headed League. The Man With The Twisted Lip
- Снежная королева / The Snow Queen
- Этот неподражаемый Дживс! / The Inimitable Jeeves
- Маленький принц / The Little Prince
- Дети капитана Гранта / The Children of Captain Grant
- Коралина / Coraline
- Алиса в Зазеркалье / Through the Looking-glass, and What Alice Found There
- Великий Гэтсби / The Great Gatsby
- Двадцать тысяч лье под водой / Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea
- Собор Парижской богоматери / Notre-Dame de Paris
- Странник по звездам / The Star-Rover
- Рассказы / Short Stories
- Призрак оперы / The Phantom of the Opera
- Трое в лодке, не считая собаки / Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)
- Повелитель мух / Lord of the Flies
- Странная история доктора Джекила и мистера Хайда / Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
- Котенок Пушистик / Fluffy the Kitten
- Легенда о Сонной Лощине / The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
- О дивный новый мир / Brave New World. 4 уровень
- Русские сказки на английском языке / Russian Fairy Tales
- Romeo and Juliet. Othello / Ромео и Джульетта. Отелло
- The Beautiful and Damned / Прекрасные и обреченные. Уровень 4
- The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen / Приключения барона Мюнхгаузена. Уровень 1
- Сердца трех / Hearts of three. Уровень 3
- Пятнадцатилетний капитан / Dick Sand. A Captain at Fifteen. Уровень 2
- Синяя птица / The blue Bird. Уровень 1
- Маленькие женщины / Little Women. Уровень 3
- Этюд в багровых тонах / A Study in Scarlet
- Сказки / Fairy Tales. Уровень 1
- Таинственный остров / The Mysterious Island. Уровень 3
- Великий Гэтсби / The Great Gatsby. Уровень 5
- Все приключения Шерлока Холмса. Сборник. Уровень 2
- Сборник лучших английских сказок. Уровень 1
- Gone with the Wind / Унесённые ветром. Уровень 3
- Сборник лучших произведений американской классической литературы. Уровень 4
- Сборник лучших произведений английской классической литературы. Уровень 3
- Funny stories / Сборник лучших смешных рассказов. Уровень 2
- H. C. Andersen best fairy tales / Лучшие сказки Г.Х. Андерсена. Уровень 1
- Приключения Пиноккио / The adventures of Pinocchio. Уровень 1
- Страшные сказки / Scary stories
- Франкенштейн, или Современный Прометей / Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus. Уровень 2
- Хорошие жёны / Good wives. Уровень 3
- Скорбь сатаны / The sorrows of Satan. Уровень 4
- Таинственный сад / The secret garden
- Вокруг света за 80 дней / Around the World in Eighty Days
- Человек, который смеется / The Man Who Laughs. Уровень 4
- The Haunted Hotel / Отель с привидениями
- Финансист / The Financier
- Wuthering Heights / Грозовой перевал. Уровень 3
- Animal farm / Скотный двор. Уровень 2
- Sense and Sensibility / Чувство и чувствительность. Уровень 3
- Зов Ктулху / The Call of Cthulhu. Уровень 2
- Маленькие мужчины / Little men. Уровень 4
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs / Белоснежка и семь гномов. Уровень 1
- Сельский вампир и другие истории Отца Брауна / Vampire of the Village and other Father Brown Stories. Уровень 3
- Princess of Mars / Принцесса Марса. Уровень 2
- Таинственный остров / The Mysterious Island. Уровень 2
- Золотой жук. Уровень 1 / The Gold-bug
- Сборник самых известных английских легенд. Уровень 1
- Маленький Лорд Фаунтлерой. Уровень 1 / Little Lord Fauntleroy
- Энн из Зеленых Крыш. Уровень 1 / Anne of Green Gables
- Искусство войны. Уровень 2 / The Art of War
- Эмма. Уровень 3 / Emma
- The Story of Doctor Dolittle / История Доктора Дулиттла. Уровень 1
- The War of the Worlds / Война миров. Уровень 2
- Клуб самоубийц. Уровень 2 / The Suicide Club
- Мертвая комната. Уровень 2 / The Dead Secret
- Лучшие сказки загадочной Шотландии. Уровень 1 / The Best Tales of Enchanted Scotland
- Незнакомка из Уайлдфелл-Холла. Уровень 2 / The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
- На маяк. Уровень 3 / To the Lighthouse
- Сказки про кролика Питера. Уровень 1 / The Tale of Peter Rabbit
- Убийство на улице Морг. Уровень 1 / The Murders in the Rue Morgue
- Большие надежды. Уровень 2 / Great Expectations
- Сердце тьмы. Уровень 2 / Heart of Darkness
- Поворот винта. Уровень 1 / The Turn of the Screw
- Кельтские сумерки. Уровень 1 / The Celtic Twilight
- Дом с привидениями. Уровень 2 / A Haunted House