Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ORSINO, Duke of Illyria

SEBASTIAN, brother of Viola

ANTONIO, a sea captain, friend of Sebastian

A SEA CAPTAIN, friend of Viola

VALENTINE, gentleman attending on the Duke

CURIO, gentleman attending on the Duke

SIR TOBY BELCH, uncle of Olivia

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

MALVOLIO, steward to Olivia

FABIAN, servant to Olivia

FESTE, a clown, servant to Olivia

OLIVIA, a rich countess

VIOLA, sister of Sebastian

MARIA, Olivia's waiting woman

Lords, Priests, Sailors, Officers, Musicians, and Attendants

SCENE: A city in Illyria; and the sea-coast near it

ACT I

SCENE I. The DUKE'S palace

Enter ORSINO, Duke of Illyria, CURIO, and other LORDS; MUSICIANS attending

 
DUKE. If music be the food of love, play on,
    Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
    The appetite may sicken and so die.
    That strain again! It had a dying fall;
    O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
    That breathes upon a bank of violets,
    Stealing and giving odour! Enough, no more;
    'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
    O spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou!
    That, notwithstanding thy capacity
    Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
    Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
    But falls into abatement and low price
    Even in a minute. So full of shapes is fancy,
    That it alone is high fantastical.
 
 
  CURIO. Will you go hunt, my lord?
 
 
  DUKE. What, Curio?
 
 
  CURIO. The hart.
 
 
  DUKE. Why, so I do, the noblest that I have.
    O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,
    Methought she purg'd the air of pestilence!
    That instant was I turn'd into a hart,
    And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,
    E'er since pursue me.
 

Enter VALENTINE

 
How now! what news from her?
 
 
  VALENTINE. So please my lord, I might not be admitted,
    But from her handmaid do return this answer:
    The element itself, till seven years' heat,
    Shall not behold her face at ample view;
    But like a cloistress she will veiled walk,
    And water once a day her chamber round
    With eye-offending brine; all this to season
    A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh
    And lasting in her sad remembrance.
 
 
  DUKE. O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame
    To pay this debt of love but to a brother,
    How will she love when the rich golden shaft
    Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else
    That live in her; when liver, brain, and heart,
    These sovereign thrones, are all supplied and fill'd,
    Her sweet perfections, with one self king!
    Away before me to sweet beds of flow'rs:
    Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bow'rs.
 
 
                                                          Exeunt
 

SCENE II. The sea-coast

Enter VIOLA, a CAPTAIN, and SAILORS

 
VIOLA. What country, friends, is this?
 
 
  CAPTAIN. This is Illyria, lady.
 
 
  VIOLA. And what should I do in Illyria?
    My brother he is in Elysium.
    Perchance he is not drown'd- what think you, sailors?
 
 
  CAPTAIN. It is perchance that you yourself were saved.
 
 
  VIOLA. O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.
 
 
  CAPTAIN. True, madam, and, to comfort you with chance,
    Assure yourself, after our ship did split,
    When you, and those poor number saved with you,
    Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,
    Most provident in peril, bind himself-
    Courage and hope both teaching him the practice-
    To a strong mast that liv'd upon the sea;
    Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,
    I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves
    So long as I could see.
 
 
  VIOLA. For saying so, there's gold.
    Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,
    Whereto thy speech serves for authority,
    The like of him. Know'st thou this country?
 
 
  CAPTAIN. Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born
    Not three hours' travel from this very place.
 
 
  VIOLA. Who governs here?
 
 
  CAPTAIN. A noble duke, in nature as in name.
 
 
  VIOLA. What is his name?
 
 
  CAPTAIN. Orsino.
 
 
  VIOLA. Orsino! I have heard my father name him.
    He was a bachelor then.
 
 
  CAPTAIN. And so is now, or was so very late;
    For but a month ago I went from hence,
    And then 'twas fresh in murmur- as, you know,
    What great ones do the less will prattle of-
    That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.
 
 
  VIOLA. What's she?
 
 
  CAPTAIN. A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count
    That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her
    In the protection of his son, her brother,
    Who shortly also died; for whose dear love,
    They say, she hath abjur'd the company
    And sight of men.
 
 
  VIOLA. O that I serv'd that lady,
    And might not be delivered to the world,
    Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,
    What my estate is!
 
 
  CAPTAIN. That were hard to compass,
    Because she will admit no kind of suit-
    No, not the Duke's.
 
 
  VIOLA. There is a fair behaviour in thee, Captain;
    And though that nature with a beauteous wall
    Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee
    I will believe thou hast a mind that suits
    With this thy fair and outward character.
    I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,
    Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
    For such disguise as haply shall become
    The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:
    Thou shalt present me as an eunuch to him;
    It may be worth thy pains, for I can sing
    And speak to him in many sorts of music,
    That will allow me very worth his service.
    What else may hap to time I will commit;
    Only shape thou silence to my wit.
 
 
  CAPTAIN. Be you his eunuch and your mute I'll be;
    When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.
 
 
  VIOLA. I thank thee. Lead me on. Exeunt
 

SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

 
SIR TOBY. What a plague means my niece to take the death of her  brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
 
 
  MARIA. By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights; your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Why, let her except before excepted.
 
 
  MARIA. Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am.
These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too; an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
 
 
  MARIA. That quaffing and drinking will undo you; I heard my lady  talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Who? Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
 
 
  MARIA. Ay, he.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
 
 
  MARIA. What's that to th' purpose?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
 
 
  MARIA. Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats; he's a very fool and a prodigal.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Fie that you'll say so! He plays o' th' viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book,  and hath all the good gifts of nature.
 
 
  MARIA. He hath indeed, almost natural; for, besides that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller; and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. Who are they?
 
 
  MARIA. They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. With drinking healths to my niece; I'll drink to her as  long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria.
    He's a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o' th' toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
    Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
 

Enter SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

 
AGUECHEEK. Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch!
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Sweet Sir Andrew!
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Bless you, fair shrew.
 
 
  MARIA. And you too, sir.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. What's that?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. My niece's chambermaid.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
 
 
  MARIA. My name is Mary, sir.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Good Mistress Mary Accost-
 
 
  SIR Toby. You mistake, knight. 'Accost' is front her, board
her, woo her, assail her.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company.
    Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
 
 
  MARIA. Fare you well, gentlemen.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again!
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw  sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
 
 
  MARIA. Sir, I have not you by th' hand.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
 
 
  MARIA. Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to th' buttry-bar and let it drink.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Wherefore, sweetheart? What's your metaphor?
 
 
  MARIA. It's dry, sir.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
 
 
  MARIA. A dry jest, sir.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Are you full of them?
 
 
  MARIA. Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends; marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren. Exit MARIA
 
 
  SIR TOBY. O knight, thou lack'st a cup of canary! When did I see  thee so put down?
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has; but I am great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. No question.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Pourquoi, my dear knight?
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. What is 'pourquoi'– do or not do? I would I had bestowed  that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. Oh, had I but followed the arts!
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Why, would that have mended my hair?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff, and I hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be seen, or if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me; the Count himself here hard by woos her.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. She'll none o' th' Count; she'll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' th' strangest mind i' th' world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Faith, I can cut a caper.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. And I can cut the mutton to't.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before 'em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace.
What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was form'd under the star of a galliard.
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in flame-colour'd stock. Shall we set about some revels?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?
 
 
  AGUECHEEK. Taurus? That's sides and heart.
 
 
  SIR TOBY. No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper.
Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent!
 

Exeunt

SCENE IV. The DUKE'S palace

Enter VALENTINE, and VIOLA in man's attire

 
VALENTINE. If the Duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanc'd; he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
 
 
  VIOLA. You either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call  in question the continuance of his love. Is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
 
 
 VALENTINE. No, believe me.
 

Enter DUKE, CURIO, and ATTENDANTS

 
VIOLA. I thank you. Here comes the Count.
 
 
  DUKE. Who saw Cesario, ho?
 
 
  VIOLA. On your attendance, my lord, here.
 
 
  DUKE. Stand you awhile aloof. Cesario,
    Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd
    To thee the book even of my secret soul.
    Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
    Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
    And tell them there thy fixed foot shall grow
    Till thou have audience.
 
 
  VIOLA. Sure, my noble lord,
    If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow
    As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
 
 
  DUKE. Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds,
    Rather than make unprofited return.
 
 
  VIOLA. Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
 
 
  DUKE. O, then unfold the passion of my love,
    Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith!
    It shall become thee well to act my woes:
    She will attend it better in thy youth
    Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.
 
 
  VIOLA. I think not so, my lord.
 
 
  DUKE. Dear lad, believe it,
    For they shall yet belie thy happy years
    That say thou art a man: Diana's lip
    Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
    Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,
    And all is semblative a woman's part.
    I know thy constellation is right apt
    For this affair. Some four or five attend him-
    All, if you will, for I myself am best
    When least in company. Prosper well in this,
    And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord
    To call his fortunes thine.
 
 
  VIOLA. I'll do my best
    To woo your lady. [Aside] Yet, a barful strife!
    Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
 

SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house

Enter MARIA and CLOWN

 
MARIA. Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse; my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
 

 
  CLOWN. Let her hang me. He that is well hang'd in this world needs to fear no colours.
 
 
  MARIA. Make that good.
 
 
  CLOWN. He shall see none to fear.
 
 
  MARIA. A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
 
 
  CLOWN. Where, good Mistress Mary?
 
 
  MARIA. In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
 
 
  CLOWN. Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
 
 
  MARIA. Yet you will be hang'd for being so long absent; or to be turn'd away- is not that as good as a hanging to you?
 
 
  CLOWN. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let summer bear it out.
 
 
  MARIA. You are resolute, then?
 
 
  CLOWN. Not so, neither; but I am resolv'd on two points.
 
 
  MARIA. That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break, your gaskins fall.
 
 
  CLOWN. Apt, in good faith, very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby  would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
 
 
  MARIA. Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best. Exit
 

Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO

 
CLOWN. Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits
that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I that am
sure I lack thee may pass for a wise man. For what says
Quinapalus? 'Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.' God bless thee, lady!
 
 
  OLIVIA. Take the fool away.
 
 
  CLOWN. Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Go to, y'are a dry fool; I'll no more of you. Besides, you grow dishonest.
 
 
  CLOWN. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend;
 for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry. Bid the
dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer
dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything
that's mended is but patch'd; virtue that transgresses is but
patch'd with sin, and sin that amends is but patch'd with virtue.
    If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
    what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so
    beauty's a flower. The lady bade take away the fool;
therefore, I say again, take her away.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Sir, I bade them take away you.
 
 
  CLOWN. Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, 'Cucullus non facit
    monachum'; that's as much to say as I wear not motley in my
    brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Can you do it?
 
 
  CLOWN. Dexteriously, good madonna.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Make your proof.
 
 
  CLOWN. I must catechize you for it, madonna.
    Good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
 
 
  CLOWN. Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?
 
 
  OLIVIA. Good fool, for my brother's death.
 
 
  CLOWN. I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
 
 
  OLIVIA. I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
 
 
  CLOWN. The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul
    being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
 
 
  OLIVIA. What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Yes, and shall do, till the pangs of death shake him.
    Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better
fool.
 
 
  CLOWN. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better
    increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox;
    but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool.
 
 
  OLIVIA. How say you to that, Malvolio?
 
 
  MALVOLIO. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren
    rascal; I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool
    that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of
    his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him,
    he is gagg'd. I protest I take these wise men that crow so at
    these set kind of fools no better than the fools' zanies.
 
 
  OLIVIA. O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a
    distemper'd appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free
    disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem
    cannon bullets. There is no slander in an allow'd fool, though he
    do nothing but rail; nor no railing in known discreet man, though
    he do nothing but reprove.
 
 
  CLOWN. Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak'st well
    of fools!
 

Re-enter MARIA

 
MARIA. Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires
  to speak with you.
 
 
  OLIVIA. From the Count Orsino, is it?
 
 
  MARIA. I know not, madam; 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Who of my people hold him in delay?
 
 
  MARIA. Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman.
    Fie on him! [Exit MARIA] Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from
    the Count, I am sick, or not at home- what you will to dismiss
    it. [Exit MALVOLIO] Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old,
    and people dislike it.
 
 
  CLOWN. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should
    be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! For- here he comes one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
 

Enter SIR TOBY

 
OLIVIA. By mine honour, half drunk! What is he at the gate, cousin?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. A gentleman.
 
 
  OLIVIA. A gentleman! What gentleman?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. 'Tis a gentleman here. [Hiccups] A plague o' these
    pickle-herring! How now, sot!
 
 
  CLOWN. Good Sir Toby!
 
 
  OLIVIA. Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this  lethargy?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Ay, marry; what is he?
 
 
  SIR TOBY. Let him be the devil an he will, I care not; give me
    faith, say I. Well, it's all one. Exit
 
 
  OLIVIA. What's a drunken man like, fool?
 
 
  CLOWN. Like a drown'd man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above
    heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my coz;
    for he's in the third degree of drink, he's drown'd; go look  after him.
 
 
  CLOWN. He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall look to the
    madman. Exit
 

Re-enter MALVOLIO

 
MALVOLIO. Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so
much,
     and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were
    asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and
    therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
    lady? He's fortified against any denial.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Tell him he shall not speak with me.
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your door
    like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll
    speak with you.
 
 
  OLIVIA. What kind o' man is he?
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Why, of mankind.
 
 
  OLIVIA. What manner of man?
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
  OLIVIA. Of what personage and years is he?
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy;
boy;
    as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling when 'tis
    almost an apple; 'tis with him in standing water, between boy and
and
    man. He is very well-favour'd, and he speaks very shrewishly; one
one
    would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
  OLIVIA. Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.
  MALVOLIO. Gentlewoman, my lady calls. Exit
 
 
  OLIVIA. Of what personage and years is he?
  MALVOLIO. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy;
    as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling when 'tis
    almost an apple; 'tis with him in standing water, between boy and
    man. He is very well-favour'd, and he speaks very shrewishly; one
    would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
 

Exit

Re-enter MARIA

 
OLIVIA. Give me my veil; come, throw it o'er my face;
    We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
 

Enter VIOLA

 
VIOLA. The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
 
 
  OLIVIA. Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
 
 
  VIOLA. Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty- I pray you
    tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her.
I would be loath to cast away my speech; for, besides that it
is
    excellently well penn'd, I have taken great pains to con it.
Good
    beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to
    the least sinister usage.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Whence came you, sir?
 
 
  VIOLA. I can say little more than I have studied, and that
    question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest
    assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Are you a comedian?
 
 
  VIOLA. No, my profound heart; and yet, by the very fangs of malice
    I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?
 
 
OLIVIA. If I do not usurp myself, I am.
 
 
  VIOLA. Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for
    what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from
    my commission. I will on with my speech in your praise, and then
    show you the heart of my message.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Come to what is important in't. I forgive you the praise.
 
 
  VIOLA. Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
 
 
  OLIVIA. It is the more like to be feigned; I pray you keep it in. I
    heard you were saucy at my gates, and allow'd your approach
    rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be
    gone; if you have reason, be brief; 'tis not that time of moon
    with me to make one in so skipping dialogue.
 
 
  MARIA. Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.
 
 
  VIOLA. No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer.
    Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Tell me your mind.
 
 
  VIOLA. I am a messenger.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the
    courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
 
 
  VIOLA. It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no
    taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my hand; my words are as
    full of peace as matter.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?
 
 
  VIOLA. The rudeness that hath appear'd in me have I learn'd from my
    entertainment. What I am and what I would are as secret as
    maidenhead- to your cars, divinity; to any other's, profanation.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Give us the place alone; we will hear this divinity.
    [Exeunt MARIA and ATTENDANTS] Now, sir, what is your text?
 
 
  VIOLA. Most sweet lady-
 
 
  OLIVIA. A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.
    Where lies your text?
 
 
  VIOLA. In Orsino's bosom.
 
 
  OLIVIA. In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
 
 
  VIOLA. To answer by the method: in the first of his heart.
 
 
  OLIVIA. O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
 
 
  VIOLA. Good madam, let me see your face.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate
with my face? You are now out of your text; but we will draw the
curtain
    and show you the picture. [Unveiling] Look you, sir, such a
one I
    was this present. Is't not well done?
 
 
  VIOLA. Excellently done, if God did all.
 
 
  OLIVIA. 'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
 
 
  VIOLA. 'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
    Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on.
    Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
    If you will lead these graces to the grave,
    And leave the world no copy.
 
 
  OLIVIA. O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out
    divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried, and every
    particle and utensil labell'd to my will: as- item, two lips
    indifferent red; item, two grey eyes with lids to them; item, one
    neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?
 
 
  VIOLA. I see you what you are: you are too proud;
    But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
    My lord and master loves you- O, such love
    Could be but recompens'd though you were crown'd
    The nonpareil of beauty!
 
 
  OLIVIA. How does he love me?
 
 
  VIOLA. With adorations, fertile tears,
    With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him.
    Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
    Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
    In voices well divulg'd, free, learn'd, and valiant,
    And in dimension and the shape of nature
    A gracious person; but yet I cannot love him.
    He might have took his answer long ago.
 
 
  VIOLA. If I did love you in my master's flame,
    With such a suff'ring, such a deadly life,
    In your denial I would find no sense;
    I would not understand it.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Why, what would you?
 
 
  VIOLA. Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
    And call upon my soul within the house;
    Write loyal cantons of contemned love
    And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
    Halloo your name to the reverberate hals,
    And make the babbling gossip of the air
    Cry out 'Olivia!' O, you should not rest
    Between the elements of air and earth
    But you should pity me!
 
 
  OLIVIA. You might do much.
    What is your parentage?
 
 
  VIOLA. Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
    I am a gentleman.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Get you to your lord.
    I cannot love him; let him send no more-
    Unless perchance you come to me again
    To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well.
    I thank you for your pains; spend this for me.
 
 
  VIOLA. I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse;
    My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
    Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
    And let your fervour, like my master's, be
    Plac'd in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty. Exit
 
 
  OLIVIA. 'What is your parentage?'
    'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
    I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;
    Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit,
    Do give thee five-fold blazon. Not too fast! Soft, soft!
    Unless the master were the man. How now!
    Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
    Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
    With an invisible and subtle stealth
    To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
    What ho, Malvolio!
 

Re-enter MALVOLIO

 
MALVOLIO. Here, madam, at your service.
 
 
  OLIVIA. Run after that same peevish messenger,
    The County's man. He left this ring behind him,
    Would I or not. Tell him I'll none of it.
    Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
    Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him.
    If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,
    I'll give him reasons for't. Hie thee, Malvolio.
 
 
  MALVOLIO. Madam, I will. Exit
 
 
  OLIVIA. I do I know not what, and fear to find
    Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
    Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
    What is decreed must be; and be this so!
 

Exit