Actus primus
Scena prima
Enter Iustice Shallow, Slender, Sir Hugh Euans, Master Page,
Falstoffe,
Bardolph, Nym, Pistoll, Anne Page, Mistresse Ford, Mistresse
Page, Simple.
Shallow. Sir Hugh, perswade me not: I will make a StarChamber
matter of it, if hee were twenty Sir
Iohn Falstoffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow
Esquire
Slen. In the County of Glocester, Iustice of Peace and Coram
Shal. I (Cosen Slender) and Custalorum
Slen. I, and Ratolorum too; and a Gentleman borne
(Master Parson) who writes himselfe Armigero, in any
Bill, Warrant, Quittance, or Obligation, Armigero
Shal. I that I doe, and haue done any time these three
hundred yeeres
Slen. All his successors (gone before him) hath don't: and all his Ancestors (that come after him) may: they may giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate
Shal. It is an olde Coate
Euans. The dozen white Lowses doe become an old Coat well: it agrees well passant: It is a familiar beast to man, and signifies Loue
Shal. The Luse is the fresh-fish, the salt-fish, is an old
Coate
Slen. I may quarter (Coz)
Shal. You may, by marrying
Euans. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it
Shal. Not a whit
Euan. Yes per-lady: if he ha's a quarter of your coat, there is but three Skirts for your selfe, in my simple coniectures; but that is all one: if Sir Iohn Falstaffe haue committed disparagements vnto you, I am of the Church and will be glad to do my beneuolence, to make attonements and compremises betweene you
Shal. The Councell shall heare it, it is a Riot
Euan. It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot: there is no feare of Got in a Riot: The Councell (looke you) shall desire to heare the feare of Got, and not to heare a Riot: take your vizaments in that
Shal. Ha; o'my life, if I were yong againe, the sword should end it
Euans. It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it: and there is also another deuice in my praine, which peraduenture prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity
Slen. Mistris Anne Page? she has browne haire, and speakes small like a woman
Euans. It is that ferry person for all the orld, as iust as you will desire, and seuen hundred pounds of Moneyes, and Gold, and Siluer, is her Grand-sire vpon his deathsbed, (Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections) giue, when she is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old. It were a goot motion, if we leaue our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage betweene Master Abraham, and Mistris Anne Page
Slen. Did her Grand-sire leaue her seauen hundred
pound?
Euan. I, and her father is make her a petter penny
Slen. I know the young Gentlewoman, she has good
gifts
Euan. Seuen hundred pounds, and possibilities, is
goot gifts
Shal. Wel, let vs see honest Mr Page: is Falstaffe there? Euan. Shall I tell you a lye? I doe despise a lyer, as I doe despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true: the Knight Sir Iohn is there, and I beseech you be ruled by your well-willers: I will peat the doore for Mr. Page. What hoa? Got-plesse your house heere
Mr.Page. Who's there? Euan. Here is go't's plessing and your friend, and Iustice Shallow, and heere yong Master Slender: that peraduentures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings
Mr.Page. I am glad to see your Worships well: I thanke you for my Venison Master Shallow
Shal. Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good doe it your good heart: I wish'd your Venison better, it was ill killd: how doth good Mistresse Page? and I thank you alwaies with my heart, la: with my heart
M.Page. Sir, I thanke you
Shal. Sir, I thanke you: by yea, and no I doe
M.Pa. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender
Slen. How do's your fallow Greyhound, Sir, I heard say he was out-run on Cotsall
M.Pa. It could not be iudg'd, Sir
Slen. You'll not confesse: you'll not confesse
Shal. That he will not, 'tis your fault, 'tis your fault: 'tis a good dogge
M.Pa. A Cur, Sir
Shal. Sir: hee's a good dog, and a faire dog, can there be more said? he is good, and faire. Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe heere? M.Pa. Sir, hee is within: and I would I could doe a good office betweene you
Euan. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake
Shal. He hath wrong'd me (Master Page.)
M.Pa. Sir, he doth in some sort confesse it
Shal. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that so (M[aster]. Page?) he hath wrong'd me, indeed he hath, at a word he hath: beleeue me, Robert Shallow Esquire, saith he is wronged
Ma.Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn
Fal. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complaine of me to
the King?
Shal. Knight, you haue beaten my men, kill'd my deere, and broke open my Lodge
Fal. But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter?
Shal. Tut, a pin: this shall be answer'd
Fal. I will answere it strait, I haue done all this:
That is now answer'd
Shal. The Councell shall know this
Fal. 'Twere better for you if it were known in councell: you'll be laugh'd at
Eu. Pauca verba; (Sir Iohn) good worts
Fal. Good worts? good Cabidge; Slender, I broke your head: what matter haue you against me? Slen. Marry sir, I haue matter in my head against you, and against your cony-catching Rascalls, Bardolf, Nym, and Pistoll
Bar. You Banbery Cheese
Slen. I, it is no matter
Pist. How now, Mephostophilus?
Slen. I, it is no matter
Nym. Slice, I say; pauca, pauca: Slice, that's my humor
Slen. Where's Simple my man? can you tell, Cosen? Eua. Peace, I pray you: now let vs vnderstand: there is three Vmpires in this matter, as I vnderstand; that is, Master Page (fidelicet Master Page,) & there is my selfe, (fidelicet my selfe) and the three party is (lastly, and finally) mine Host of the Garter
Ma.Pa. We three to hear it, & end it between them
Euan. Ferry goo't, I will make a priefe of it in my note-booke, and we wil afterwards orke vpon the cause, with as great discreetly as we can
Fal. Pistoll
Pist. He heares with eares
Euan. The Teuill and his Tam: what phrase is this? he heares with eare? why, it is affectations
Fal. Pistoll, did you picke M[aster]. Slenders purse? Slen. I, by these gloues did hee, or I would I might neuer come in mine owne great chamber againe else, of seauen groates in mill-sixpences, and two Edward Shouelboords, that cost me two shilling and two pence a peece of Yead Miller: by these gloues
Fal. Is this true, Pistoll?
Euan. No, it is false, if it is a picke-purse
Pist. Ha, thou mountaine Forreyner: Sir Iohn, and Master mine, I combat challenge of this Latine Bilboe: word of deniall in thy labras here; word of denial; froth, and scum thou liest
Slen. By these gloues, then 'twas he
Nym. Be auis'd sir, and passe good humours: I will say marry trap with you, if you runne the nut-hooks humor on me, that is the very note of it
Slen. By this hat, then he in the red face had it: for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunke, yet I am not altogether an asse
Fal. What say you Scarlet, and Iohn?
Bar. Why sir, (for my part) I say the Gentleman had drunke himselfe out of his fiue sentences
Eu. It is his fiue sences: fie, what the ignorance is
Bar. And being fap, sir, was (as they say) casheerd: and so conclusions past the Careires
Slen. I, you spake in Latten then to: but 'tis no matter; Ile nere be drunk whilst I liue againe, but in honest, ciuill, godly company for this tricke: if I be drunke, Ile be drunke with those that haue the feare of God, and not with drunken knaues
Euan. So got-udge me, that is a vertuous minde
Fal. You heare all these matters deni'd, Gentlemen;
you heare it
Mr.Page. Nay daughter, carry the wine in, wee'll
drinke within
Slen. Oh heauen: This is Mistresse Anne Page
Mr.Page. How now Mistris Ford?
Fal. Mistris Ford, by my troth you are very wel met:
by your leaue good Mistris
Mr.Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome: come, we haue a hot Venison pasty to dinner; Come gentlemen, I hope we shall drinke downe all vnkindnesse
Slen. I had rather then forty shillings I had my booke of Songs and Sonnets heere: How now Simple, where haue you beene? I must wait on my selfe, must I? you haue not the booke of Riddles about you, haue you? Sim. Booke of Riddles? why did you not lend it to Alice Short-cake vpon Alhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas
Shal. Come Coz, come Coz, we stay for you: a word with you Coz: marry this, Coz: there is as 'twere a tender, a kinde of tender, made a farre-off by Sir Hugh here: doe you vnderstand me? Slen. I Sir, you shall finde me reasonable; if it be so, I shall doe that that is reason
Shal. Nay, but vnderstand me
Slen. So I doe Sir
Euan. Giue eare to his motions; (Mr. Slender) I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it
Slen. Nay, I will doe as my Cozen Shallow saies: I pray you pardon me, he's a Iustice of Peace in his Countrie, simple though I stand here
Euan. But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage
Shal. I, there's the point Sir
Eu. Marry is it: the very point of it, to Mi[stris]. An Page
Slen. Why if it be so; I will marry her vpon any reasonable demands
Eu. But can you affection the 'oman, let vs command to know that of your mouth, or of your lips: for diuers Philosophers hold, that the lips is parcell of the mouth: therfore precisely, ca[n] you carry your good wil to y maid? Sh. Cosen Abraham Slender, can you loue her? Slen. I hope sir, I will do as it shall become one that would doe reason
Eu. Nay, got's Lords, and his Ladies, you must speake
possitable, if you can carry-her your desires towards her
Shal. That you must:
Will you, (vpon good dowry) marry her?
Slen. I will doe a greater thing then that, vpon your request (Cosen) in any reason
Shal. Nay conceiue me, conceiue mee, (sweet Coz): What I doe is to pleasure you (Coz:) can you loue the maid? Slen. I will marry her (Sir) at your request; but if there bee no great loue in the beginning, yet Heauen may decrease it vpon better acquaintance, when wee are married, and haue more occasion to know one another: I hope vpon familiarity will grow more content: but if you say mary-her, I will mary-her, that I am freely dissolued, and dissolutely
Eu. It is a fery discretion-answere; saue the fall is in the 'ord, dissolutely: the ort is (according to our meaning) resolutely: his meaning is good
Sh. I: I thinke my Cosen meant well
Sl. I, or else I would I might be hang'd (la.)
Sh. Here comes faire Mistris Anne; would I were yong for your sake, Mistris Anne
An. The dinner is on the Table, my Father desires
your worships company
Sh. I will wait on him, (faire Mistris Anne.)
Eu. Od's plessed-wil: I wil not be abse[n]ce at the grace
An. Wil't please your worship to come in, Sir?
Sl. No, I thank you forsooth, hartely; I am very well
An. The dinner attends you, Sir
Sl. I am not a-hungry, I thanke you, forsooth: goe,
Sirha, for all you are my man, goe wait vpon my Cosen
Shallow: a Iustice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend, for a Man; I keepe but three Men, and a
Boy yet, till my Mother be dead: but what though, yet
I liue like a poore Gentleman borne
An. I may not goe in without your worship: they
will not sit till you come
Sl. I' faith, ile eate nothing: I thanke you as much as
though I did
An. I pray you Sir walke in
Sl. I had rather walke here (I thanke you) I bruiz'd my shin th' other day, with playing at Sword and Dagger with a Master of Fence (three veneys for a dish of stew'd Prunes) and by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meate since. Why doe your dogs barke so? be there Beares ith' Towne? An. I thinke there are, Sir, I heard them talk'd of
Sl. I loue the sport well, but I shall as soone quarrell
at it, as any man in England: you are afraid if you see the
Beare loose, are you not?
An. I indeede Sir
Sl. That's meate and drinke to me now: I haue seene Saskerson loose, twenty times, and haue taken him by the Chaine: but (I warrant you) the women haue so cride and shrekt at it, that it past: But women indeede, cannot abide 'em, they are very ill-fauour'd rough things
Ma.Pa. Come, gentle M[aster]. Slender, come; we stay for you
Sl. Ile eate nothing, I thanke you Sir
Ma.Pa. By cocke and pie, you shall not choose, Sir: come, come
Sl. Nay, pray you lead the way
Ma.Pa. Come on, Sir
Sl. Mistris Anne: your selfe shall goe first
An. Not I Sir, pray you keepe on
Sl. Truely I will not goe first: truely-la: I will not doe you that wrong
An. I pray you Sir
Sl. Ile rather be vnmannerly, then troublesome: you doe your selfe wrong indeede-la.
Exeunt
Scena Secunda
Enter Euans, and Simple.
Eu. Go your waies, and aske of Doctor Caius house, which is the way; and there dwels one Mistris Quickly; which is in the manner of his Nurse; or his dry-Nurse; or his Cooke; or his Laundry; his Washer, and his Ringer
Si. Well Sir
Eu. Nay, it is petter yet: giue her this letter; for it is a 'oman that altogeathers acquainta[n]ce with Mistris Anne Page; and the Letter is to desire, and require her to solicite your Masters desires, to Mistris Anne Page: I pray you be gon: I will make an end of my dinner; ther's Pippins and Cheese to come.
Exeunt
Scena Tertia
Enter Falstaffe, Host, Bardolfe, Nym, Pistoll, Page.
Fal. Mine Host of the Garter?
Ho. What saies my Bully Rooke? speake schollerly, and wisely
Fal. Truely mine Host; I must turne away some of my
followers
Ho. Discard, (bully Hercules) casheere; let them wag;
trot, trot
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a weeke
Ho. Thou'rt an Emperor (Cesar, Keiser and Pheazar)
I will entertaine Bardolfe: he shall draw; he shall tap; said
I well (bully Hector?)
Fa. Doe so (good mine Host.)
Ho. I haue spoke; let him follow; let me see thee froth, and liue: I am at a word: follow
Fal. Bardolfe, follow him: a Tapster is a good trade: an old Cloake, makes a new Ierkin: a wither'd Seruingman, a fresh Tapster: goe, adew
Ba. It is a life that I haue desir'd: I will thriue
Pist. O base hungarian wight: wilt y the spigot wield
Ni. He was gotten in drink: is not the humor co[n]ceited?
Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this Tinderbox: his
Thefts were too open: his filching was like an vnskilfull
Singer, he kept not time
Ni. The good humor is to steale at a minutes rest
Pist. Conuay: the wise it call: Steale? foh: a fico for the phrase
Fal. Well sirs, I am almost out at heeles
Pist. Why then let Kibes ensue
Fal. There is no remedy: I must conicatch, I must shift
Pist. Yong Rauens must haue foode
Fal. Which of you know Ford of this Towne?
Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good
Fal. My honest Lads, I will tell you what I am about
Pist. Two yards, and more
Fal. No quips now Pistoll: (Indeede I am in the waste two yards about: but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift) briefely: I doe meane to make loue to Fords wife: I spie entertainment in her: shee discourses: shee carues: she giues the leere of inuitation: I can construe the action of her familier stile, & the hardest voice of her behauior (to be english'd rightly) is, I am Sir Iohn Falstafs
Pist. He hath studied her will; and translated her will:
out of honesty, into English
Ni. The Anchor is deepe: will that humor passe?
Fal. Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husbands Purse: he hath a legend of Angels
Pist. As many diuels entertaine: and to her Boy say I
Ni. The humor rises: it is good: humor me the angels
Fal. I haue writ me here a letter to her: & here another to Pages wife, who euen now gaue mee good eyes too; examind my parts with most iudicious illiads: sometimes the beame of her view, guilded my foote: sometimes my portly belly
Pist. Then did the Sun on dung-hill shine
Ni. I thanke thee for that humour
Fal. O she did so course o're my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye, did seeme to scorch me vp like a burning-glasse: here's another letter to her: She beares the Purse too: She is a Region in Guiana: all gold, and bountie: I will be Cheaters to them both, and they shall be Exchequers to mee: they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both: Goe, beare thou this Letter to Mistris Page; and thou this to Mistris Ford: we will thriue (Lads) we will thriue
Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side weare Steele? then Lucifer take all
Ni. I will run no base humor: here take the humor-Letter;
I will keepe the hauior of reputation
Fal. Hold Sirha, beare you these Letters tightly,
Saile like my Pinnasse to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, auaunt, vanish like haile-stones; goe,
Trudge; plod away ith' hoofe: seeke shelter, packe:
Falstaffe will learne the honor of the age,
French-thrift, you Rogues, my selfe, and skirted Page
Pist. Let Vultures gripe thy guts: for gourd, and
Fullam holds: & high and low beguiles the rich & poore,
Tester ile haue in pouch when thou shalt lacke,
Base Phrygian Turke
Ni. I haue opperations,
Which be humors of reuenge
Pist. Wilt thou reuenge?
Ni. By Welkin, and her Star
Pist. With wit, or Steele?
Ni. With both the humors, I:
I will discusse the humour of this Loue to Ford
Pist. And I to Page shall eke vnfold
How Falstaffe (varlet vile)
His Doue will proue; his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile
Ni. My humour shall not coole: I will incense Ford to deale with poyson: I will possesse him with yallownesse, for the reuolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour
Pist. Thou art the Mars of Malecontents: I second thee: troope on.
Exeunt
