Анна Карат
Learn to love. 30 tips how to live

Introduction

Thyere is а reason why nature madе it like this, a man is not happy without a woman, just like a woman is not happy without a man. Having split humankind into two sexes, nature ensured reproduction of the species. However, a man and a woman unite not only to create children, but also to bring joy to each other. Usually women are the ones who worry a lot about relationships. We, either in our childhood while playing with dolls realize that our role is to be loved, or we are moved by those tricky biological laws. The latter tell us to start a search for «the one and only» inorder to prevent extinction of humans as a species.

It doesn’t matter what stands behind our desire to find personal happiness, it is important to learn to build it. Yes, exactly like that, to build it, brick by brick. We, women of the 21st century, need to understand that our relationships are not controlled by an invisible «something», but we are responsible for our lives and everything that is going on in them. If we are not happy with the result of our efforts, it means that we are not doing the right thing or we are doing the right thing in the wrong way. However, we always have a chance to make our dreams come true.

Let’s get acquainted. My name is Anna Yang. I am 60 years old and for the last 30 years I have been happy with the most amazing man in the world. It is quite likely that he seems this way only for me. After all, a woman creates her man and their relationship. We didn’t have this union that would make both of us happy right away. There had been many emotional wounds in my life because of romantic heartbreaks. That is why I can easily understand every one of you. Just like you I couldn’t comprehend why my life consisted of a series of failures in love. Eventually my husband and I managed to build a relationship I couldn’t even dream about.

At some point I realized that my girlfriends, girlfriends of my girlfriends and my colleagues asked for my advice quite often. I could always see mistakes made by those women and I could easily find the right solutions that would lead to a different result. Once I decided to make a web site where I could make people’s lives better. I frequently receive letters from my clients. In every letter they beg me to help them. Generally, situations that women face are similar. Indeed, the same things happen to all of us from time to time.

That is why I decided to write this book where I include my successful thirty-year marriage and answers to the most frequently asked questions. We all strive equally to find happiness and I want to help you on this complicated journey. Answers to the most difficult questions are much, much easier than you think.

Chapter 1. What types of women do men love?

Ladies keep looking for ways to be loved. Maybe it is better to be silent in front of their husbands? Or on the contrary, to chatter a lot? To cry loudly or quietly clench their teeth? To take extra care of their face or body? Manicure or pedicure? It’s my personal opinion. It is important to take breaks! It applies to both partners. Love is impossible in the atmosphere of constant overload. These are two incompatible states. Love is giving. If one of the partners is tired and overwhelmed, he or she doesn’t want to and can’t give anything to the other one. He or she wants to take instead. So imagine a relationship where both partners constantly want to be taking from each other. Taking is not an energy intensive action, you just need to ask or reach with your hand. Gifting and giving is a lot of work. Be yourself. Everything that you can discuss with your friend or grandma, discuss with your husband instead. And do it as soon as you feel that you want to. If you have to pretend when you are with your husband, then why do you even need him?

A man looks for femininity, and femininity can be different. There is no charm in insolence, but there is charm in modesty. If you want a worthy man, you will have to be a worthy woman. Are you ready to meet that worthy man today? Not on Sunday, not during some celebration, but today. I am asking this to show you that you should be a worthy woman every day. The main thing in a woman is her state of mind and her mood. In a garden, atmosphere is created by flowers, in a home atmosphere is created by a woman. From everything that I have observed I can conclude, that if a husband is a deadhead, it is not a big deal. The most vital thing is a woman’s energy. It makes a family quite stable.

The main obstacle for joy is – weariness, the main condition for joy – rest. Energy is found in good sleep, raw food, jogging, cold water and downtime. Energy is in laughter, movements, the way you walk and look. An energetic woman has an energetic face. People have to give all of their energy to work, whatever is left – to the people they care about. So nothing is left for themselves.

Ladies often don’t understand that worthy men choose worthy women. If you want a first class man, you yourself should be of first class. Here is advice that I gave not a long time ago: «Let’s expend our energy rationally and wisely. To be exact, let’s spend this energy only on ourselves.» This is the best formula to attract and keep this man and the next one, as well as to be successful in friendship and career. Learn to leave if you don’t feel comfortable somewhere or with somebody. Leave without looking back. In other words, live according to your own rules of happiness. You do want happiness, don’t you? So start living happily. And that person who likes your life, your aura and the cloud of joy around you, will value your company most of all. That person will be the one chasing you, not the one running away from you.

Men’s eyes immediately register unusual movements of a woman. This is the story told by one teenage boy: «I went into town by bus yesterday. I was sitting by the window. So I am looking out of the window and I see a flock of girls, around 14-15 years old, eating ice-cream. None of them caught my attention. The driver started the bus, the girls were about to get on and all of a sudden one of them came up to a trash bin to throw an ice-cream wrapper away. This small act immediately raised her in my opinion. While she was walking from the trash bin to the bus I could look only at her. She looked average – dressed in all black, wearing jeans of course; her hair was also black, of medium length. There wasn’t anything remarkable in her face – a face like many other faces. While I was on the bus I remembered a similar story. About seven or eight months ago I was standing in a small line at a bus station. There was a woman in front of me, in her mid-thirties at that time. When she got her ticket, she thanked the cashier. She stood out for me, because before her I had never heard words of gratitude at a register.» Our actions that we don’t even notice tell a lot about us. That is why here is a little warning: don’t try to oversell yourself when you want to be liked by someone. When your actions are not sincere, but made up and rehearsed, you will definitely be exposed.

It is important for a man to understand which woman he can approach and which woman will refuse and humiliate him. So he learns early on to detect woman’s signals. That is why if I don’t send a clear signal that I want to have sex, nobody will offer that. You can dress up, you can put on tight clothes, but a man will sense your real intentions anyway. Michael: «When I meet a woman for the first time, I pay attention to her surroundings and daily routine. I guess I also evaluate whether she is suitable for a long term relationship.»

A woman is looking for a reliable and respectable man, but she is wearing a baseball hat, jeans and tennis shoes. So she is approached by men who also wear baseball hats and tennis shoes. The answer to this problem is to choose clothes in accordance with the fact that you are a woman. I often hear, and even see in your eyes, a question: «Where, where can I meet somebody?» Then I need to clarify who exactly you are looking for. After that I can give you a very simple answer: «Go look for men of your type where they spend their time.» All in all, if a woman is looking for a serious man, she should think about what kind of impression her clothing makes. A man looks for a woman who will be his partner and with whom he will be able to talk about all the things in the world. That is why a woman should look, first of all, like a reliable partner. In addition to that she should be cheerful. The pitch of her voice is also very important. A woman’s voice can be encouraging and full of enthusiasm.

A woman should be self-sufficient. The biggest difference between men and women is that men do not wait for women to call them. Instead of that they do something else. They watch racing, invent medicine to cure HIV, read about stock pricing in the Frankfurter Allgemeine or workout. And the most important thing is that they do it not because they want to be distracted from waiting for a phone call but they do it because they want to do it.

Question 1. Men get acquainted with you, but they don’t want to have a relationship

I didn’t like those men who were chasing me. Although, thinking about them and knowing now who they have become over the years, I can’t stop wondering why I was so silly and why I didn’t like them. I picked a father of my child myself. I liked him right away, but he wasn’t one of the men chasing me. I still didn’t get married. And I don’t want anymore. I don’t know how to be married. But I do want to be happy. I’ve had men propose to me on multiple occasions. As a matter of fact, I do attract men for some reason. That is until we start dating. And then either I break up with him because I actually don’t like him, even though he treats me well; or he breaks up with me and then I suffer.

There are exceptions. Once I was absolutely happy for four years, having an affair with a married man. That was my second love. He didn’t even think about getting a divorce because I loved him more, and for him it wasn’t the first time he cheated on his wife. It was his lifestyle. He treated me very well and never gave a reason for me to become addicted to him because he was always near. Such a happy exception happened to me. After a very painful breakup I was getting back to normal for a year. Then for several years I lived without anything going on in my personal life, mindlessly and calmly. This is how it was until last year I met a man in the street. Three months of irregular communication led to an addiction to him. And then he disappeared. He got divorced and then got married again. But not to me.

That short affair made me want to have a love life again. But there is nowhere to meet men. So I started meeting them online. I have had a couple of dates, but I haven’t found anything stable. It is disgusting. It looks like I can get acquainted and attract somebody online, I can arrange a meeting and have a date with him. But how do I make a long lasting relationship out of it? I have several online options right now. One of them is not even married and really wants woman’s affection. I haven’t seen him yet. I am afraid that nothing good will happen. I do call him though to vent out and he comforts me. I am so confused!

Answer. I think your mistake is that you give more than you take. You make three steps toward a man and he makes only one step toward you. This is what too compassionate and kind women constantly do. There is this simple rule: when you stop running away, you stop being chased. Practice, try it on somebody and then share your results! You show that you are dependent and interested too much. At the end of your date you could say: «And now it is time to say good-bye, because I wanted to meet with you only this one time.» It is very likely that after that he will not want to leave you alone! You need to know men’s mindset. You need to use this simple principle: love a man less than he loves you. Act as if you have a lot of other options. What you lack is confidence. And males, just like females, choose confident partners. It happens this way because nature tells them to pick out the best ones, to procreate.

Imagine that you see a man for the first time. How can you tell that his children will be good, or if you put it in crude terms, that he will be a good breeder? Firstly, you look at his appearance. Secondly, you look at how confident he is. If he is confident, it means that he knows many good things about himself. Right? Men think the same way about women. If a female is confident, it means that she is in high demand among males. If there are many males around her, it means that she is a good female. Look at your life. This logic always works. I had a relationship with a very smart and reserved man once. All of his outbursts of feelings toward me were happening when he would see me surrounded by other men.

Say good-bye and that you are not interested in having a relationship – this is to use in an emergency when you really do need a man for a one-night stand but you don’t want to be humiliated. Even here you show him your confidence as if you are implying that he is worth spending only one night with. At the same time, you shouldn’t humiliate him. He just has to first ask if you are going to see each other again. This is when you, with a meaningful smile, answer: «Maybe.» And you don’t run to him at his first whistle. So the main thing is that you should be confident in that you are wonderful in all things. The next question though is where to find this confidence.

Chapter 2. Does he like me?

There is one and the same question in all letters about love: «Do you think I have a chance or not?» Whether a man wants to have a romantic relationship with me or not is always obvious because he gives me signs. It could be that he can freely joke about sex around me, or he gives me compliments, or maybe he can appropriately touch me (touch my hand or give me a hug). For years women have been trying to guess whether men like them or not. Why wouldn’t he approach me? Is he being shy? Everything this bashful man does we are inclined to explain in our favor. Most likely, he is indeed attracted to you, but he is attracted a lot more to another woman. The main indicator of a woman’s «quality» is whether men kiss her when they see her, or at least hug her. In other words, if they want to touch her. Ladies, you can be touched in different ways. Be happy, if he touches your head. Not because of pity, but because he is showing affection. A woman should cause admiration in a man.

Question 2. A man is torn between me and his ex

This man likes me, but he hasn’t broken up with his former woman. We used to just be friends, but we’ve had sex recently. Now I think he is avoiding me.

Answer. You could get involved in a long and unpleasant story. When a MAN is not completely done with his previous relationship, nothing good usually happens in his new relationship. I think this is what you need to do: don’t let yourself fall in love with him until he is attracted to you and only you. To fall in love means to think of him a lot. Not to fall in love means not to think. Find a phrase for yourself that will help you shut out all the thoughts about HIM (at the same time you still can communicate with him and not only as friends). This game is actually interesting for him. He has been thinking of you for a while, and now sex is also possible.

Don’t think of him, don’t try to figure him out, don’t anticipate conversations and kisses. Do you remember what it is like to be on a diet? As long as you do not anticipate, you can remain patient. As soon as you imagine the taste of food, you immediately lose control. So your phrase should sound approximately like this: «No! You can’t do it! It will lead to you being unhappy.»Or something like this: «I won’t let him make a fool out of me!» Your thoughts are endless now. Day and night you are trying to guess, what exactly your MAN thinks, wants and what he will say when he calls you. You should know that all these endless thoughts suck all the energy out of you. Very soon you will become an exhausted and depressed woman. It means that you will stop attracting men. Why would you want this? Let your MAN figure you out!

If you remain happy and uninterested, you will surprise him a lot. He is expecting that you will fall in love with him and try to talk to sort things out. And he is afraid of it. He only wants to have fun sex and simple conversations. Say to yourself that he just wanted to have sex with you, a pretty woman, and stop bothering your head with this. What to do now? Just live your life. If he calls, you will talk (you should be the first one to say good-bye). If he asks you out, you will meet (you should be the first one to leave). Let him have sleepless nights! It is like cutting your head off to get rid of all the thoughts, at least for a month. One of the most unpleasant things for a man who is still in love with a woman he broke up with is to wake up next to somebody else. He has a good time in the evening, and at night, but then in the morning he wants to put his pants on and run away as quickly as possible. What is ridiculous is that this other woman might end up being much better than the first one. She also might love him much more, especially if the first one didn’t love him that much to begin with. The only problem is that they picked the wrong time.

A man can’t love two women simultaneously. It is cruel first of all in relation to himself. Nature has made room only for one woman in a man’s heart. If this room is already occupied, there is nothing for another woman in his heart. If you want to have a serious relationship with a MAN, wait until he frees himself from his previous relationship. It will take several months. You don’t need to avoid a MAN, but flirting is inappropriate. And if a MAN decides to have a fling, be patient and remember that it is not serious for him. He doesn’t know it yet, but you already do. In love, just like in a boxing ring the winner is the one with the strongest nerves.

Question 3. Does he like me? How would I understand that?

I love «an aging» man who is not married. The difference in age is 15 years. I think that he likes me, but he doesn’t do anything to expose his feelings. Now I understand that he is ashamed of his age. I am all tired out.

Answer. You are writing that he doesn’t express his feelings. As a matter of fact, if a man is interested in you, he looks at you more often and for longer periods of time. However, if your man is smart, he can control himself. Then he deliberately won’t look at you. Or he will take a rapid glance. Here is one more sign: if a man likes a woman, he will try to be close to her, for example, sit near her. He will find any excuse to do so. In my opinion the most accurate sign though is his joy when he sees you. Any woman can sense this joy, but she often mistakes it for friendliness.

Question 4. He has disappeared. What am I to do?

«I met John last summer. During that fall he wrote five love letters to me. And then nothing since the beginning of winter. I am going crazy. It is February now. Maybe he has the flu. I am going to visit him because he will die without me. Kate.»

Answer. Certainly, Kate, go visit him! Smart people learn from their own mistakes. Wise people learn from other people’s mistakes. Fools think that they live without mistakes. When I was young and innocent, at the age of 17 I fell in love with your typical «John». I fell in love with his guitar when he played the Beatles, his long hair, jeans and red socks. It was supposed to be our third date and he never came. His friend told me that John had the flu. And I ran to him. I felt that my actions were not smart, but I didn’t have time to think about it. He is sick! He is unwell! With the remaining part of my brain I decided that I would only ring the door bell, give him a bouquet of some flowers and leave. I thought that it wouldn’t be obtrusive but quite the opposite. It ended up being obtrusive.

Pale and weak John opened the door. He didn’t really care about my flowers, but invited me to come in. The remaining part of my brain simply disappeared and I did come in. Some other guy was visiting John. The three of us didn’t have anything to talk about. So we were sitting silently. The other guy was waiting for me to leave, and I was waiting for him to leave. It lasted for an hour. I became the girl who was not fun (but in reality I am a lot of fun). I realized this and finally left. Apparently John remembered me as a boring girl, because he never asked me out again.

Question 5. He writes to me, but he doesn’t offer to meet

I am 54 and I want to get married (this would be my second marriage). So I am trying to find somebody online. Last May a met a French man online. We still talk a lot on Skype and write to each other. I feel something electric toward him. Moreover, I have never heard love confessions like his. He often writes that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he is ready to talk to me on Skype every evening. I told him that if he wasn’t ready to come visit me, then our relationship wouldn’t have any future. He promised to solve this within two months.

Two months later I started the conversation again. He immediately became agitated. He said that he would be able to take time off only in February and booked tickets to come. On the one hand, I am afraid that closer to February something will happen and he won’t come. So I have been waiting in vain. On the other hand, he means a lot to me. I would like to continue our relationship. I am afraid to issue an ultimatum – either you come, or we will break up. Our communication is virtual. As of right now, nobody is obliged to do anything. What would you advise in this situation?

Answer. I recommend to stop thinking about this man. Don’t make up this love story with a man whom you’ve never seen before and whose behavior is a little strange. Calm down and start dating. You don’t have any strength to start a new relationship because of all your thoughts are about this French man and possible marriage. Is he as faithful as you are? Think of him as one of many pleasant men. If he comes, it will be nice. But let him initiate this visit without any promises from your side.

Question 6. How to attract his attention?

There is this guy in the night club I often go to. I like this guy a lot. He works there. He is a dancer. We have many common friends. That is how we met. I can’t watch him impassively when he is on stage. Sometimes we dance together, but only when I invite him. I confessed to him that I liked him a lot. After that he hardly notices me, but we still communicate. By the way, I know that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I need your advice. What should I do?

Answer. Oh, you got in a stupid situation that has only one way out. I am going to tell you what this way out, but you are not going to listen to me, are you? You are going to continue to follow this guy until he sleeps with you one day. And then he is going to do everything not to see you. Before it happens, I advise to stop going places where he hangs out. If he notices your absence, he will find you through your friends. If he doesn’t find you, stop by his work in three months, not earlier. During these three months read some books and learn to talk to men in a different way, like a queen.

It is likely that he will fall for you – the queen! If he doesn’t show any interest in you even then, stop going there at all. Of course, you are not going to listen to me. What I am suggesting is very difficult to do. However, maybe other girls will read this and use my advice. Maybe this letter from Kristen, who changed her attitude toward men, will help you: «Now I don’t call him first, unless he asks me to call him. When I offer to do something and he refuses, I don’t get upset like I used to. I try not to place much emphasis on it. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to. It is his right. I try not to fight and not to get jealous. And what now? Now he calls me many times a day. He tries to talk for a long time. And I make our conversations shorter. I was the one who asked for kisses, now he does. So I do the opposite from what I used to do. I don’t express any initiative. I feel that he needs me. He doesn’t talk about love much. He says that his actions show his love (he pays for me, he always walks me home, he calls first, he goes to different events with me). I don’t talk about love first. I also show it with my actions. I cook for him and I take care of him. Just like he takes care of me.»

Chapter 3. How to make him fall in love with me?

To make a man fall in love is pretty easy: don’t be afraid of him and make your communication with him freer. The main obstacle is the fear that he might think something bad about you. Nature made it this way that males chase females. Even though a rooster is the only guy in a chicken coop and even if he looks awesome, he still chases a hen to mount her. Not one hen, no matter how dumb it is, will run after a rooster to mount him. Despite the fact that they are the nature’s supreme creations, girls often act sillier than hens. A guy will simply get scared (I know this because I’ve asked many of them) if a girl starts chasing him. Just like any rooster he will think: «Something is wrong with this hen… she is crazy!» They think this way, because guys are also created by nature. If a man takes two steps toward you, you should take only one (and don’t rush to him). Also, don’t forget to take two steps back later. If you chase him, he can’t chase you. He can only run away. If there is a «chaser», there is also a «chase». «I can’t live without you» is something that a person who has given up would say. Act on the principle: «I can live without you!» If you become the one who chases, nature will tell him what to do. This message will be louder than the one from his feelings and reason. A man wants to be where it feels good. Remember about it when you find a husband. This is the only way not to lose him. Take a closer look at a man. Can he rain on the parade of those around him? Can he be boring, sad, or irritated? If yes, can he change himself? Or maybe his motto is: «Accept me the way I am». Then nothing particularly good will happen here. Don’t rush. Let him prove that he can and wants to be better – for you, for your peace and your happiness.

In any relationship always ask yourself: «Who is chasing whom?» If you want to be happy, learn to run away and not to chase. The most beneficial behavior is when you act according to the following idea: “It is nice with you, but it is also nice without you!” When a man senses that he has been moved from the first place to the tenth place, he will want to understand the reason. All of our excuses – «I forgot your address» or «I lost your phone number» – will not work. If a man wants to be with a woman he loves, he will force his way through to that woman. The bottom line is that you should learn to live so that you are interesting to yourself. Then you will be interesting to other people around you. Just think about how many princesses lost their princes whispering: «I can’t live without you.» You should whisper: «I can live without you.»

A man is designed by nature to chase, and you need to ensure that he has this opportunity. Smile but be the first one to look away. Be the first one to say good-bye and leave. Don’t ask when you will meet again. Don’t hint about where you live and don’t just offer your phone number. You are a good man, but I am not going to chase you! «You will enjoy being with me, but it is difficult to win my heart.» This phrase should be read in your eyes, speech and gestures. You need to get rid of fear and any doubts concerning your attractiveness. The most accurate word to be used here is risky.

Why is it so important for a man to see our energy not only in your facial movements but also in our laugh, gestures, the way we walk and even the speed of our speech? He doesn’t analyze it looking for a reason why. Nature thinks for him making him choose the most energetic female which will give him a viable offspring. Every woman applies this knowledge intuitively. Yet how do you let him know that he will have to work to get you? Any man senses the level of woman’s intelligence right away. He is used to evaluating a woman from the first glance. He is trained to do so. Women think that men perceive them as sex objects. However, any normal man actually wants love.

When it comes to love I’ve had this one rule since I was twenty – to take a step toward a man who has taken two steps toward me. This is when you need a smart friend by your side. You should take into account only the steps that don’t cause any doubt. You also should have less initiative than a man. Should you always reciprocate to a step that was taken toward you? Of course not. That depends on what you want. Don’t turn your brain off. There are more and more young men who accept the fact that women court them. We should recognize it as a fact. I still think though, that we should educate men to make them understand what manly behavior means. As long as I was the one asking them out, I couldn’t maintain even one serious relationship. As soon as I started acting in accordance with nature, men started proposing. To catch a man is very easy! At first you need to prove to him that your soul is beautiful, then you need to prove that he is a genius and that you are the only person who understands that. The most appealing element here is sincerity.

Friendship, just like love, is built according to the same laws:

1. Interest, mystery, desire to solve the mystery.

2. Necessary break up, testing if you can live without each other.

3. Getting back together for a long time, maybe forever.

Your companion should be in awe while talking to you. He should be very interested in you! Then he himself will start looking for you, calling you and thinking of you. And it is very likely that he will fall in love with you.

The first thing a man does is evaluation of a woman as a sexual object. After the first outburst of physical attraction men will be interested in positivity and adventurousness. They understand that women often create specific emotional atmospheres. A man weighs up the pros and cons thinking about a possible partnership with a woman. If he meets a woman who, in his opinion, is going to be on his side, he is attracted to her. If you want to be loved by men, you should also love them. There should be this animal passion toward a woman! Men marry women who arouse them. Men don’t need a lot of women; men need a lot of sex! If a woman makes sure that her man gets this sex at home, they can form a normal family. For your man to like you, you need to be liked by other men. A man by nature is a winner among other males. He is a competitor and rival. This rule is not that obvious for women but still is true. The instinct of procreation works the following way: grab the best ones whose quality has been proven by others. You probably have noticed that men appear like a flock of birds – all of them at the same time. Sometimes a man starts paying attention to a woman only after his friend has already paid attention to her. This rule works on women too: «Gosh, who is it with her? Maybe he is good in bed?» Just like that. Interest is there. After that it will be easy for a woman to find reasons to stay interested in him.

Once I said: «To be liked by your husband, you need to be liked by others’ husbands.» I received an interesting response to this phrase: «This is exactly how I got married – when I started dating other men. It was like my intuition led me to do this. I loved him a lot and I suffered a lot without him. Thanks to my «dates» with other men he became more active. I didn’t cheat on him, no. I just had innocent dates: had coffee with somebody, went to theaters or museums. It is very important for a man to show other males that this female is his! You can be liked by men without flirting. If you put on clothing that men admire, they will be surrounding you wherever you go. If you talk about things that are interesting for men, they won’t go far away. I’ve seen it many times how a man would change when he sees that his lady attracts other men, how he falls in love with her again right in front of your eyes.

What shouldn’t you talk about in the first five minutes when you just met him? I don’t recommend girls to:

● Talk about their illnesses.

● Remember and especially quote their mothers.

● Hint that they are in high demand among men.

● Boast about their connections.

● Talk about outfits, make up and diets.

● Smoke a lot.

If you mention your success with other men, your guy will get disappointed before he has a chance to be charmed by you. Your guy won’t show you that you have hurt his feelings, he will just make a note in his head: «She is not the one!» And then she will put a symbolic checkmark on the line «Not good enough for a serious relationship.» The thing is that serious relationships imply that there are only the two of you. Our heart is made this way, that it can love only one person. When it is just you and he, the third person (as well as the rest of the humankind) must be forgotten. There are only the two of you on the whole planet.

A man falls in love in stages. At first you need to interest him with your femininity. Only then you demonstrate your personal qualities. How to intrigue a man in the first minutes of a conversation? There are men’s topics that women don’t usually talk about and don’t know much about (I don’t mean work). Your aim is to surprise him and to stir interest. That is why before you talk to him try to find out what he is interested in. Many men are interested in fishing, cars and politics. A man tries to put in the topic of sex as soon as possible, probably hoping that it is irresistible. A woman shouldn’t talk directly about sex or support this topic in a conversation. It shows she has a low level of intelligence. A man will get bored quickly.

If you want to get to a man’s heart, I can give you the coordinates: you don’t necessarily have to be smart or beautiful, you have to be sincere, happy and you have to create a wish to live. So how do you become such a desirable woman? To begin with, you should become young and fresh like spring. «Spring» women cannot be forgotten. Even men who are happy remember these women. If you manage to become a «spring» woman, you will get into a man’s heart. To get into his heart is not enough. It is important not to fall out. In order not to fall out you need to know a secret. Question: what is the biggest satisfaction for a smart man? Answer: a candid conversation with a smart woman.

So the name of the secret is a «conversational» orgasm. An orgasm means the biggest pleasure. A physical orgasm happens during sex. Let’s call it a typical orgasm. A typical orgasm lasts for several seconds, usually not longer than ten. Maybe somebody has set a record, but we are still talking about seconds. Once I read an article about animals’ orgasms. The record belongs to pigs. It turns out that their orgasm can last for up to thirty minutes. But this is still your corny sexual orgasm. I claim that there is an orgasm of a higher level – conversational. A conversational orgasm can last for hours, as long as five hours even. Just think – five hours of the biggest rush! Moreover, unlike a typical orgasm, a conversational one often leads to positive changes in life. Once you have experienced a conversational orgasm, you will crave more of it.

Don’t hesitate to spend your time on developing eloquence. Good speech is the main sign of a free mind. You are willing to spend time and money on the beauty of your body. Why not spend time and money on communication skills?

Quality conversations are stronger than any drug. There is no cure or antidote. They become rooted in a man’s heart. Why don’t all people have conversational orgasms? The reason for that is that there should be special conditions for these conversations to exist. The first condition: there only should be a man and a woman talking. Nobody can be listening to them. The second condition: people who are talking should be in love with each other. The third condition: all ideas during the conversation are accepted. No interruptions allowed. Your subconscious gives you the best decisions. And your subconscious lives not in your mind, but on your tongue. So you should share any ideas you have and you shouldn’t be criticized for that. The fourth condition: a man and a woman are completely relaxed, there is no control over their words. The conversation should be open. There should be no secrets from each other.

Hiding something is the biggest obstacle for the majority of couples. If one of the partners has a lover on the side, it is a secret of course. So a conversational orgasm cannot happen. If a man has a lover, he is tense. As a result, his subconscious is not going to come out. Reaching a conversational orgasm is the peak of your femininity. In a conversation like that a man is very happy. He enjoys it with his eyes, ears and heart. You can be certain that he will not forget you. You will be his strongest drug. Now you have the initiative. You determine whether he is catching up with you or maybe he is far behind. Femininity is your nature. It’s what differs you from a man. Nature has given you this skill to bring joy without much effort. Men simply can’t do it as easily. If you have forgotten your natural gift, it is never too late to try and remember.

Question 7. What can we talk to men about?

I got divorced a while ago. After being on maternity leave I literally became stupid. It is shameful to admit this, but I can’t support conversations on different topics with different people. I understand that the question that I am about to ask is strange and silly. My ex-husband persuaded me that I am boring and uninteresting to talk to. So how should I start a conversation? How can I become interesting for other people, especially men? How can I support a conversation? I just don’t know where to start! What can I talk with other people about? I understand that I can talk with people about themselves, but I do it in such an awkward and clumsy way. How do I build up this experience?

Answer. Jennifer, your ex-husband used to tell you that you were boring? You did the right thing when you divorced him! Very soon you will see that you are a quite interesting interlocutor. This is the first thing you could say to a man: «I am very interested in your opinion about this one particular problem.» You can add flattering (but true) words explaining why you need expertise of this very man. «I’ve heard of you as a very sensible man», «I’ve read your article», «You’ve helped me not even knowing about it», etc. When you use words like this, the other person will become interested in you right away. More than that, he will be listening to you with affection.

After that you can tell him what is really important for you. Then your eyes will be glowing and you will be radiating this positive energy. At the end of your story you should repeat again that you want to know his opinion. Don’t forget that a man will value not your words, not the price of your clothing or jewelry but your energy. So you can talk to him about small things but with passion.

Question 8. I am afraid of men

I am afraid of men. I am lost when I talk to them. What can you advise?

Answer. Any fear is scared of the one who can face it. And here is a specific piece of advice: be the first one to start a conversation with men every day. Soon you will understand that they are harmless, they don’t bite – they simply buzz around.

Confidence is the sexiest quality of a man (by the way, the same applies to a woman). Nature tells him to pass the best genes to his offspring. That is why women instinctively choose the best ones. How do you determine that he is the best one? It is especially difficult to do from the first sight. Yes, you look at how tall, handsome and rich he is. Yet the main all-encompassing sign is how confident he is.

If a man acts with confidence, you start thinking that he knows something about himself that you don’t know. It means that many other successful people already highly appreciate him.

Question 9. I can’t start talking to men I don’t know

I can’t start talking to men I don’t know. I have already learnt how to smile at them, but I still can’t talk. I probably feel good only when I am alone. When I leave this comfort zone, I subconsciously want to get back in.

Answer. It is important to understand what you actually want. If you want to be alone (why not by the way!), then why would you even need men to talk to? If you understand that you can’t be happy without a man, then I recommend to practice talking every day. You start with some insignificant and simple topics. At first, you talk to men you know well. Then you talk to men you know just a little bit. And finally you talk to men you don’t know at all.

Question 10. Men run away from me. What should I do?

I am forty years old and I am divorced. Men I gave my affection and sexuality to could talk about me with excitement. And then they would go do their things and ask me to understand that they were busy. I ended up in the position of a woman who had to chase men. After an attempt to meet and having «no» as the answer, I usually stop caring about guys like that. Unfortunately, the situation repeats. It means that the problem is not in those guys, the problem is in me.

I must be doing something wrong if the amazing sex with me doesn’t make them put aside things they need to do. On the contrary, they expect me to understand them and be patient. However, I want to be the main event in the life of a man who «had a great time» with me last night.

Answer. Look at yourself through a man’s eyes. This is how he sees it: «She is forty and divorced. It means that she wants to get married again. But I don’t want to get married! She is good in bed. It means that she is trying hard to find a husband. But I don’t want to get married! She is acting like this and it is clear that she is chasing me. It means that I need to run away!» If there is a «chaser», there is also a «chase». More than that, a male is instinctively afraid of a woman who is chasing him, because it is not inherent in a woman. To make matters worse, your pursuit is likely to be noticeable in your voice, gestures and intonation. That is why he is politely asking you to show understanding and wait. In the meanwhile, he is running away. What can a man be thinking if he delicately said «goodbye», but a woman is still insisting on a new date? He is even more scared now. So he is giving a clear and straightforward rejection this time. You are writing: «I want to be the main event in a life of a man who «had a great time» with me last night.» This is what I am adding to this – it will be great when a man not only remembers the previous night spent with you but also wants to meets again and stay with you. I know how to achieve this. I know how to make you a «chase». And a «chaser» will come into the picture, not right away maybe but he will. When you are simply infatuated with somebody, you still think about yourself mostly. It’s like a game or a competition. When you really love somebody, your think about the person you love and you wish him (or her) the best in life. There is no competition here.

Question 11. When should say “I love you”?

Should I tell him that I love him? I mean after he has confessed his love, of course. I’ve heard this idea that a woman who has confessed her love is like an open book or a puzzle that has been solved. I am not sure that I agree with this. If a woman is interesting, if she is changing, if she is fun, then how can we talk about this well of energy having a bottom when it is only opened? Wouldn’t it be more natural to be sincere in this case instead of flirting trying to avoid conversations about love?

Answer. You shouldn’t be the first one to tell him that you love him. This is a general rule that has exceptions for exceptional people. An exceptional woman can do anything she wants. But your question is different. You want to know whether you should tell him about your feelings after he has told you about his. Of course, in this case you should tell him. Why would you pretend? We are always for sincerity. The thing that can ruin everything though, is when your actions or words imply that you cannot live without him. In my opinion, after that a person becomes boring. More than that, behaving like that you make your partner responsible for your own happiness. It is unfair and immature.

Even then you shouldn’t pretend. In this situation you should start worrying. If you want to tell somebody that you can’t live without them, it is a sign that you either haven’t found yourself yet or you have already lost yourself. And if you don’t really exist, then who would need you?

Chapter 4. How to become the most needed woman for a man?

A man should associate a woman with wonderful emotions. It is a woman’s goal to make it happen. If she achieves this, a man will want to be with her more than anything in the world. What should be done? A woman should know what a man likes. Some women might think that men’s interests are not for them at all. If a woman is growing emotionally, she will always know how to lead any subject to thoughts about her. If a woman does something nice and unexpected, it will cause a man’s curiosity. «Interesting» is the main word in a relationship. Relationships start with this word and end with it. To be precise, they don’t end with it actually. On the contrary, they last for many years.

In the beginning of a relationship a guy doesn’t even think about how long this relationship might last. Although we should take into account that the majority of men do want to have a serious relationship. A normal woman always wants to have a serious relationship. However, if in the very beginning she delivers an ultimatum (a serious relationship or none), she will ruin this relationship. A smart woman at first will make a man feel good and then very good. Only after that she will make him decide whether they will have a serious relationship or they won’t have one at all. It is a good thing when you share your partner’s interests. I remember this one man who I used to be interested in. I wanted to understand his interests. He was a football fan. I knew nothing about football. Yet I told him with glowing eyes that I wouldn’t mind going to the stadium to watch a game. That poor guy was chasing me for a week trying to find out about my football preferences. In the meanwhile, I was reading sports newspapers. At the end of that chase, he, being completely intrigued, saw that I put a pin with his favorite team’s logo on my T-shirt. So he exhaled with relief: «I am with you… Anywhere you go. Do you want to go get married now?» Every man wants other people to talk to him about him. All of his ups – joy and happiness from creative and business victories – should happen in your presence and with your participation. It will give you more things to talk about.

One more piece of advice – disappear! From time to time you need to disappear. If you can’t do it physically, then you should do it emotionally. For example, you could become inattentive or you could be in a hurry to go somewhere without discussing news that is important for him. It means that you deprive your man from the main rush – your emotional presence in his life. Stay in this strategic position until he realizes how difficult it is for him without you. If after that he still doesn’t admit that you are in a special place in his life, then stop wasting your time and energy on him. He is busy. However, he can show up after some time and ask you out again. I would call a man like that a mirage. He can disappear at any moment for as long as several months. Then he can reappear as if nothing happened.

If you want to achieve this special happiness – to not be an abandoned «I» but to be an unbreakable «We», you should be a very special woman who radiates bioenergy. You also should find a very special man who will not suck this energy out of you but make it stronger. It is important to show him that you love him just because, like a human being. A noble man looks for a noble woman, doesn’t he? Thus, it is important for a couple to have comparable levels of nobleness and generosity.

How to become the only one for him?

1.Show compassion and help him.

If you like him, be interested in his work. Don’t do it obtrusively but do it constantly. Offer him solutions to his problems. Don’t give him direct advice though. Gradually you will become someone he wants to talk to. Eventually you will become a close friend, because you can not only empathize with but also help him.

2. Watch how he appreciates your effort.

If he doesn’t appreciate it at all (neither with how he looks at you, nor with how he talks to you), then he is too far behind you. Just think – maybe you should walk away and let him mature. If he does appreciate what you have been doing, then you can continue.

3. Create more optimism inside of you.

Any man wants to see and hear a happy woman every day. Even if a woman is unquestionably beautiful but is rather pessimistic, she will not be content in a relationship with a man. The first sign of a pessimist is that she can be bored. A cheery woman always has a reason to see something good. She can turn every day into a little celebration for herself.

4. Don’t limit yourself only to women’s interests.

Learn more about different spheres. Does he like fishing? Why not to find out which spinning rod he prefers? The fewer women who understand anything about a man’s hobby, the more attractive the one who understands it gets.

5. People become close to each other when they do something together.

You are going to laugh, but one of the biggest pleasures is food! That is why you should try to cook together as often as possible. Ready to eat food that you can buy in a store doesn’t count. Real pleasure is in food that you have prepared yourself.

Question 12. Sex on the first date. Is it wrong?

I broke up with a man I loved and I was single for four years. Within those four years I developed this colossal hunger – I craved emotions, touches, a man by my side and sex. Considering all this, every time I meet a suitable candidate it is very difficult to control myself. It is very difficult to keep the distance when I want to jump on top of him as soon as I realize that I like him. Men figure this out very quickly. They see that we get crazy every time they touch us (I am not even mentioning kisses). What they don’t understand is that it is our hungry body that reacts this way, and that our brain and heart are actually not involved.

It’s like when you show food to a hungry person. If the person hasn’t eaten for a while, he or she will immediately dig into food no matter what quality it is. Several times being too quick ruined my potentially good relationships. It happened because men don’t forgive rushing when it comes to sex, even though they encourage it (what meanness and hypocrisy!). So how do I cope with it? To find a lover just to satisfy my cravings? I can’t do it like that. It is important for me to like the man I am going to sleep with, even be in love with him and of course trust him. What should I do?

Answer. This is what I would do if I were you. I would find a lover who also happens to be a pleasant man. I would explain to him right away: «I want you a lot but only as a lover. No strings attached and no time together during the day. Can you come to my place once a week? In this case you use him, not vise versa. This relationship is going to develop according to your conditions. By the way, while you have a strictly sexual partner (without getting attached to him) you should be looking for a man that you want to live with. It is very difficult to build a relationship when you are ready to jump into any more or less attractive man’s bed. I created this rule for myself – I can’t start a new relationship if you are still attached to the previous one. If you want sex only, you need to be honest with yourself and with your man. Tell him that you spend nights together without any future plans. This way nobody is going to be disappointed.

Question 13. Who do men chase?

You have previously written that if a woman is in love but doesn’t have a lot of energy, she should wait a bit and take care of herself at first. This thought alarmed me because it was the reason why I missed a chance to have a beautiful relationship. I worked a lot at that time and was on the edge of a meltdown. I lost control and blamed the man I just fell in love with for all of my problems. Of course, he quietly left me. I was sincerely surprised. I couldn’t understand why he stopped calling. So I would find an explanation that he was simply afraid of commitment. But to be honest, who would need a woman who is constantly tired and nervous no matter how successful and beautiful she is?

Answer. I am going to give you an answer in bullet points:

● Energy is the biggest value in life.

● People look for energy.

● Sex for men is a vital need like hunger. That is why at first men evaluate women like sexual objects.

● The more energetic and lively a woman is, the easier it is to imagine her in bed and the more she is wanted.

● This is how we come to the conclusion that a man values the energy of a woman. Here I need to clarify that we are talking about positive energy, the one that causes the desire to live.

Question 14. Our plans don’t coincide. Do we have a chance to be together?

I can’t understand if I want to continue this relationship with the guy. I want to move into a bigger place. He doesn’t really care. He likes to have people over. I dream about a chance to be alone with him and just talk. He is forty (I am thirty) and he views life in a different way. He has two previous marriages and 4 children (two are his and the other two belong to his second wife). He loves them. It means that he doesn’t want to have more children. However, I want to have a child in the future. Of course, he has advantages – he is polite, educated and modest. We share some common interests.

Answer. I understand Anna, who needs to carry out the program that was assigned by nature. She needs to nest and have a baby. She also needs to find a father for her baby who will be able to support this program. She has a man who plays the role of a husband well, but she is not sure about him playing the role of a father and a «director» of her «program». What would I do if I were Anna? This is not advice; this is me reflecting. I would become a best friend for this man, an irreplaceable woman. I am sure that to reciprocate he would do anything to make me happier. Do you want a child? Let’s do it! Do you want a new house? I will make enough money to buy it! This is how people work. Here is one more pattern: if it feels good and easy to be with this person, I will do everything to be with him.

Chapter 5. He is not proposing

A man sometimes doesn’t hurry to make a proposal. So a woman can be waiting for years to hear the words she longs for: «Will you marry me?» How much time is needed to make this decision? Here is a very simple example. Do you remember how you were buying one of your favorite things (let it be a purse)? It was exactly what you had been dreaming about. You saw it in a store, but you didn’t have money. You ran to your friend to borrow money. You were afraid that somebody else might have bought your dream while you were away. So you ran back all sweaty, didn’t you? When he looks at you like at a treasure, he wants to claim that this treasure is his and he will want to make you his wife soon. It is natural for men not to let the competitors take their treasure away.

One of my clients said: «A man who hasn’t proposed in the first year will not be a good husband even if he marries you later. He most likely will be constantly unhappy with you and irritated. He probably will be cheating on you and you will depend on him. I know a lot of women who spend with these «indecisive» men five to seven years of their lives. I am on that list as well. After four years of a civil marriage I thought that we were not getting married because we both thought that it was just a formality. He eventually told me that if I had been a hundred percent what he wanted, he would have proposed within the first year of us dating. You know, he also said the following: «Why are you so upset? You’ve been fine with everything! If you were not fine with it, you wouldn’t be here.» Needless to say that I left. He immediately wanted me back, trying to persuade me to get married and have children. It didn’t work with me. He is still looking for the one who will be a hundred percent what he wants. It is simple – there are men who are not husbands. They don’t want us to know about it because they want us to stay with them.»

Many men do want to find a woman who would be their partner, friend and lover for their entire life. Any romance has an expiration date. If a man and a woman see each other every day, the romance will finish faster. If there are some obstacles, then the romance can last for a year or so. At first a man and a woman do a self-presentation and demonstrate their best qualities. Women don’t forget to put lip gloss on, wash hair every day and rotate jewelry. Men clean their shoes until they shine. This period ends when the first fight happens. After that a period of testing starts. Both, a man and woman, look at each other assessing if they want to build a family with their partner. This is when they ask questions, discuss the partner with their parents and friends, try to change something in him or her and test each other. As a result, a man and a woman make a decision whether they want a wedding.

The first possible scenario. A man is at the right age when it is time to get married and he wants to be married. His parents and friends like his girl. So she definitely could become his wife. A woman decides that it is time for her to get married. He will be a good father and a husband. He has potential. A man proposes just like it is described in books – he does everything himself without any hints from her side.

The second scenario. This one is the most common one. Within the first months of his relationship a man has satisfied his interests: sexual and intellectual. He figured out the nature of his night companion and can predict her behavior. However, he doesn’t want to marry her for several reasons: it is too early, he doesn’t want a committed relationship yet or maybe she is just not good enough to be his wife. This is when a man starts calling more often but actually coming over less frequently. What’s interesting is that at this point a woman is also not thrilled about him. Yet if it is time for her to get married, she will have to follow the «chase». There is one more reason why she follows a leaving man – she doesn’t want to be abandoned! She ends up acting like she did in the beginning of their relationship – she thinks about him a lot and falls in love with him again. This situation can be reversed. After some time, a woman stops caring. It usually happens because she gets bored with a man. She wants to try different relationships with other men to test her charm. It is too early for her to get married or maybe this very man is not a suitable candidate. She starts leaving and he starts following.

The third scenario. A man leans toward the idea that he is not going to marry his woman. This is when a competitor shows up! A man immediately proposes. Men by nature are warriors and conquerors. It is shameful for them to lose to competitors. Men play these games until the day they die. If there are no competitors, they make them up. They need to be winners! This becomes a reason for many marriages. Not only another man can be seen as a competitor. Different life circumstances can create some sort of competition – when something is forbidden or when he doesn’t have an opportunity to see her (for example, she has to move to a different city or she is married). It all comes down to the following: the harder it is to get her, the more he wants to marry her. I watched once how a simpleton somehow made Prince Charming marry her. The simpleton came from a different city and started working with Prince Charming. Every day she told Prince Charming that she had a fiancé back home waiting for her. At the same time, she kept flirting with Prince Charming. Of course the latter felt like he needed to defeat her fiancé, who by the way was made up. It turned out to be that she wasn’t that simple after all. I think the conclusion is obvious, isn’t it?

Question 15. Why does passion fade?

Why does passion last for a year? Can a relationship be limited by a calendar?

Answer. Yes. It has been proven by science, my personal experience and the experience of other people. Apparently, nature decided that one year is enough time to procreate. If within this period certain conclusions haven’t been made, this union is not going to last. Of course all of this is rather relative. However, there still should be some grounds for making a decision. Look at it as planting seeds. If the seeds are viable, they will grow within a certain period of time. And if nothing happens within this period, it is unlikely that they ever will grow. This fertile period is your passion.

Question 16. He doesn’t want to live together.

I have been dating this man for a year and a half. We are approximately of the same age – around thirty. We have similar views on household and life in general. Not a long time ago I started a conversation about him moving in with me. He agreed but became really anxious. He said that he was afraid of such a serious step. Moving in with me meant for him spending our entire lives together. Then there were days of long conversations and confessions. Eventually I packed my things and left. He said that he loved me and he needed time to think. When I was leaving, we both were crying, he was saying that he didn’t know if he wanted to spend all his life with me and I didn’t want to build the relationship knowing all this.

What should I do to clarify the situation at least a little?

Answer. I would also run away if I had to plan my entire future. When I was marrying Joe, I didn’t know how long we would stay together and what kind of a relationship we would have. We were happy AT THAT MOMENT and that was enough. It has been twenty-five years. However, if I stop being happy next to him, I will leave without a second thought. This is what you said: «He was saying that he didn’t know if he wanted to spend all his life with me and I didn’t want to build the relationship knowing all this.» You are putting him in tough and impossible conditions. You have been together for over a year. Yet you haven’t expressed what you expect from each other.

Talk now. Tell him that you also don’t want to live together if there is no happiness. As soon as this happiness disappears, you will be the first one to break up the relationship. Instead of talking you can write a letter to him. It will be easier. Explain what exactly you want from him and give him a specific deadline. After this deadline, if he doesn’t make a decision to be together, stop thinking about him all day long (you can spend two hours a day on these thoughts). People can live together for years and still not know what they want from each other. Even a notion «infidelity» can be different for a man and a woman. Sometimes it happens this way that what a woman thinks is a tragedy, is merely a mischief for a man.

Question 17. I have gotten two marriage proposals. Who should I pick?

I loved him a lot for ten years. I loved him for his intelligence and ambitions (he is a scientist). I was never his priority. I was always alone, but this man was the only one I loved and I didn’t want to break up with him. I was afraid to be single. In the beginning of this year I met Kurt. He thinks that we are created for each other. I think the same way. He was so attentive and caring. Kurt proposed after three months of knowing me. My Scientist learned from me about Kurt and also proposed. So now there is a dilemma – who do I pick? My heart is being torn apart.

Answer. If you pick your Scientist, he probably will stop paying attention to you again. He will not try and cheat on you, because he is fixated on his work. Men like that always put their wives second though. If you had been fine with this attitude, you wouldn’t have looked for another man at all. Am I right? So there was a need in a different relationship. It is likely that you are going through a transitioning phase. Your old feelings haven’t vanished yet. Ten years is a long time. Don’t rush into marrying someone right now. Your feelings will become clearer in a couple of months. This is when you will make a decision.

Chapter 6. What kind of a woman will he never pick as a wife?

I have known Kathy since we were young. She is an alcoholic now. She has a nice flat in the center of the city, a grown daughter and an interesting job. At the same time men are not interested in her. That is why Kathy drinks every night alone. What’s interesting is that she herself is very attracted to men. When she was young, she used to change partners all the time. She moved from one bed to another, from a hotel room to somebody’s office. I remember she said once: «I will never be alone, they have too much fun in bed with me to leave me.» Yet every man she had left her. She didn’t have even one long term relationship. When the father of her daughter left her, I asked him about the reason. He answered, «For Kathy to cheat on me would be as easy as drinking a glass of water. Why would I want a wife like this?» Kathy was beautiful, lively and talented. She was also promiscuous. She was good for a one-night stand.

To collect men is satisfying (just like to collect women). However, if you are loved today, it doesn’t mean that you will be loved tomorrow. I don’t really recommend you to hurry, but still remember that your endless choice can end very soon. Big love is like a big miracle. And big miracles require a lot of patience, forgiveness and many other things. Moreover, if you think that you can wait for a different one because it might be better, your miracle will disappear. A young woman early on looks for signs of a future husband in a young man’s actions. A young man also tries to predict what kind of wife his girlfriend might become.

When my son was breaking up with his girl, he said, «I have realized that she argues with me all the time, because she wants to win. She needs to be winning all the time! So I think that we need to break up, because all of these fights with her ruin my mood.» Guys run far away from boring and nagging girls. They will not become cheerier as wives. They will be prone to feeling unwell. Don’t look for a pretty or modest one. Look for the one who will be equal to you. She should love you like you love her; she should think like you do and want similar things. Young women often nag a lot, because they are not happy with certain things. Young men are typically content with everything but nagging.

Men take all of this nit-picking very personally. For them it means that they haven’t done something that they were supposed to or haven’t made enough money, etc. It also means that their women are not satisfied, they haven’t been able to make them happy. Thus, women should take into account not only negative remarks only toward men but also toward life. It is important, because even when we complain about life, men assume that it is their fault. Sooner or later, men start valuing in women the skill of living happily.

Question 18. Having done everything he had asked for, I became not interesting for him.

I am thirty years old and I have never been married. I do have a seven-year old daughter. I had had enough men in my life before I met him. After a week of knowing each other he moved in with me. The first rift happened three months later. He didn’t want me to go on a business trip for two weeks and I still went. Then he asked me to quit my job and I refused. He wanted to have a quiet and cozy family life. I wasn’t able to give that to him. One day he told me that he was leaving. I decided to change. He still said that there was no point in being together.

He found a different woman and lived with her for three months. Now we are back together. I have another chance. Unfortunately, he is not happy again, even though I quit my job and started doing everything he wants me to do! I like staying at home now, cooking for him and being there when he comes home. So I have started to change and he thinks that it is suspicious. He says that now he feels sorry for me, he calls it the remainders of love. He meets with other women and busies himself with work. We have only sex left. Other than that, we are like neighbors to each other.

Answer. A man is a hunter and a warrior. It is a simple and basic idea. He wanted to conquer you and you were being stubborn. It inspired him to try conquer you even more. As a result, you are a rug on the floor by his side of the bed. Nobody really loves rugs. It is so easy to get used to a rug. When a rug gets old, it is also very easy to replace it with a new one without any regrets. So I recommend you tomorrow with a smile on your face to thank him and let him go. There is nobody else in your house he could conquer. When he leaves, there will be only one way to get him back. You need to become like sunshine – a person who radiates happiness even if you are alone.

You should become a person that cannot be completely conquered. I think that you should do what you like, work where you want and communicate with people you like. It means that you should become an individual, a woman who has her own thoughts and opinions, a life of her own and people she wants to spend time with. It is interesting to be with an individual! It is not interesting to be with a rug! If you leave, it is very likely that he will come back to your sunshine. He will be very curious to find out what has happened to you.

Chapter 7. How to choose the one and only man?

I state that it is a woman who makes a choice. If she has decided something, a man will definitely do what she wants. When I think about the quality of a person, my first criterion is whether he or she can change his or her habits and consequently character. It doesn’t matter what kind of childhood and parents we had. That doesn’t depend on us. What’s important is whether you have enough brain and will to act differently, to change your behavior today.

These are my criteria when I choose a man. Well, of course one of the main ones is «sexual dizziness» when I see him. Can we laugh together? If you immediately start laughing together for the same reason, it tells about your intellectual compatibility. Can he improve himself for me? Do I want to improve myself for him? Do I want to make him happy? Do I feel at peace with him? Will he be happy for my victory even if this victory means that he failed? First and foremost – you can be honest with him, you don’t need to lie, he will understand everything.

You probably will agree that a person makes himself/herself. However, I think that real men are made by real women. It is true even if they don’t know each other yet. I asked many women the following questions: «Would you like it if your man 1) borrowed money from you, 2) told you that you had some competition, 3) asked for your advice, 4) doesn’t bring any food, but eats yours, 5) tolerated it when his boss yelled at him?» It turned out to be that what was important for women wasn’t men’s intelligence or prudence but their pride.

Why do people at the age of thirty or so rarely fall in love with celebrities like actors and singers? Moreover, women let themselves fall in love with those who have already fallen in love with them. Being in love means a number of pleasant thoughts about a certain person. So ask yourself what you are looking for. If you want to suffer and try this emotional roller coaster, then by all means do fall in love with the closest sex-symbol – tall, slim, wealthy and trendy. Half of the women you know are already in love with him. In a relationship he acts like a woman who needs to be conquered and pleased. It is impossible to build a family with him.

If you want to have a good husband, you should look for him among your friends who you find attractive emotionally and physically. Learn to transfer friendships into romantic relationships (men are usually happy to jump to this next stage fairly quickly). The smart thing to do, in my opinion, is to check if he is a good friend and protector and only then let yourself think of him as a future husband. What does usually happen though? Usually we, silly girls, immediately try to imagine a possible candidate wearing a tuxedo and saying «I do!»

The majority of men (I mean normal average men, not some supermen) are attracted to feminine traits of character like friendliness, non-aggressiveness and kindness. A man is afraid to be laughed at. That is why he will never come up to a woman who could possibly push away and criticize him. Infatuation lasts for half a year. Then there is a period of testing. This is when a man and a woman evaluate each other and decide if they can build a family together. Look attentively at the one you want to have a relationship with. Even if you are buying a phone, you are going to check several times what you are giving your money for. And here you are giving somebody your soul! So check a hundred times.

Our goal is not to make up some imaginary love, but to spot it timely and hold on to it. At first people are just friendly to each other. Later this friendliness becomes either friendship or love. I think of love like friendship plus sexual connection. Don’t look at your new male acquaintance as at a future husband right away. Look at him as at a friend at first. I have never seen love without friendship at its basis. It is true even when we talk about parents and children. Once again, if your guy can be a good friend and he excites you sexually, then you can think of him as a romantic partner. Just check one last thing. Does he want to change for the better for you? If he says that you should love him the way he is with all of his flaws, you can straightforwardly reply that there are a lot of guys with flaws you can choose from. The point is to want to be better.

This whole idea about men being friends at first is quite the opposite for many women. Today we meet them, tomorrow we already have all these dreams and even picture wedding rings in our heads. Only later do we learn more about them, get disappointed and suffer for a long time. In reality nobody disappointed us! We did it to ourselves. Nobody betrayed us! We ourselves decided that men (whom we have known for twenty-four hours) would swear to be faithful to us. Look for a friend. Also, watch him when he gets mad, especially when he gets mad at you. Oh, and by the way, ask him about duties of his future wife as he sees them (not really directly to his face, but maybe in a company of friends as a game).

Question 19. I am 15 years older than he is. What is waiting for us in the future?

I got divorced after twenty years of a nightmare. I have been devoted to my job and children for the last four years. I like peace and quiet in my house. I know that I should have divorced him much sooner than I did. I also know that it is my fault that I let him treat me the way he did. Now I am dating this young man. We have known each other for a year, but it has been more of a friendly business relationship. We sometimes would meet because of our jobs even though we work in different spheres. I had a big problem once and he helped. I noticed of course that he didn’t help just because. Women sense things like that.

We have a very close relationship. I tell him about my fears and he tells me about his problems. I have never seen such a warm and caring treatment. He is married and he has a son…and he is fifteen years younger than me. To date him just to feel alive and normal? That’s terrible for me. I am sure there is no marriage for us in the future. Sometimes he says that he doesn’t want to go back home to his wife, but he feels sorry for his son. I don’t say anything to this. I just listen. I have two girlfriends. Both are married. Their husbands are seven years younger than they are, but you can’t see the difference unless you know. They have happy lives. But in my case the difference is fifteen years! I scrutinize the way I look – I already have wrinkles. What will I look like when I am fifty?

Answer. The age difference would be the least of my concerns. Nobody knows what will happen in ten years. Remember, that a man values your positive energy. Not all young girls have this energy. A fifty-year old woman can be more active in sex than a thirty-year old man. That is not the point. What you should think about though, is your guy’s habit to complain. He can be doing that for years. If you want some certainty, tell him about it honestly. Discuss with him all the expectations and how you view his relationship with the son. Then give him some time to decide.

If after the time you have given him he doesn’t show up at your door with a packed suitcase, break up with him. If you give in and start seeing him again, you will be listening to his complaints about his wife for years. Why do you need to think about yourself when you are fifty? You will have a good life if you can produce joy. It is this simple! I think that what confuses you is not the difference in age. It is the difference in understanding of life. A man does what a man is normally supposed to do. A woman loves him for that. If there are no manly actions, then why would a woman love him? If he can’t love you, then search for the one who can.

Question 20. How to forget about your former partner and cherish the one who is next to you now?

A friend of mine has caught herself in a bind. She doesn’t know what to do and she is getting physically unwell because of that. The situation is the following. She lived with Kevin for a long time and was happy. They studied together and loved each other. He knew and understood her well. However, after some time she met Matt and left Kevin. She lived with Matt for three years and hoped to become his wife. Matt didn’t marry her and even gave her a hint that it was time for her to move out. It broke her heart. She met with Kevin again and he told her that he still loved her and offered her to live with him. My friend was not local and she didn’t have a place of her own.

She moved in with Kevin again. He was a nice and reliable guy. At first everything was fine, but she couldn’t forget Matt. Eventually Kevin started irritating her with his excessive love. He even blamed her for not loving him enough. He probably understood that she still had feelings for Matt. So she has a dilemma now. She doesn’t want to lose Kevin, but it is getting more and more difficult to live with him. She knows that she is using him and feels guilty. She is also afraid to be alone even though she is a very attractive and talented girl. What do you think she should do?

Answer. If he has started to irritate her, it will only get worse. Imagine living with somebody who irritates you every day! In her case it will be even more difficult because she feels guilty for using him. This decision should be made by your friend.

Question 21. To continue a relationship or not?

How do you understand if you should continue a relationship or not? Is it «your» kind of man? What are the «signs»? Is it your own desire, interest, joy, hopes for the future or something else?

Answer. The most important thing is that if a man is «yours», you don’t need to lie to him. He will understand everything. This is the most valuable quality! This is when you will have joy, interest, desire and hopes. If this quality is not there, you won’t have any pleasure in a relationship.

Chapter 8. Infidelity

A man’s unfaithfulness is probably the biggest obstacle for a family. Many women are of the opinion that you can’t change men’s nature and so they just come to terms with that. However, I am certain that if a woman acts in the right way and a man is not a self-centered jackass, their family – definitely! – will be happy. There is one little condition though. Their family will be happy if this is the main goal for both of them. Here is my personal opinion – having got married a normal man doesn’t have any intentions to cheat on his wife. He can entertain a theoretical idea, but he doesn’t want to do it in real life. He cheats only when his wife disappoints him.

I think that whether a man will or will not cheat on his wife depends on that very specific man. It doesn’t depend on circumstances, «sexual hunger» or his beloved woman’s behavior. People who like alcohol won’t let themselves drink before they have to go to work, they are afraid of what might happen. People won’t let themselves have coffee before bed if the next day is very important and they need to sleep well that night. All people can control themselves. It all depends on how strong their desire is. The same can be said about a man’s infidelity. If you want to be the one and only woman, then you should look for a man who will not be cheating on you. Once you have found him, love, adore and spoil him. Don’t complain about headaches. Give love to him and receive love from him. He won’t cheat on you. When you eat, you do it consciously. It means that you do the same with your sexual desires – you can control them.

Many couples allow different forms of infidelity in their sexual lives. For some people imagination is enough to experience something new in sex. Others organize more visual «cheating» – well-known role playing. Hello, I am your new housekeeper. Is it a spider web there in the corner? I need a ladder to get to it. Is it alright that I am not wearing panties? It is very hot today… And so a forbidden fruit becomes a regular apple. A man usually looks to satisfy not his sexual hunger but his adrenaline hunger. He needs new experiences and feelings.

If a man doesn’t want to be with his family, objective circumstances like children, shared business or emotional manipulation will not make him stay. In any case, I would talk about infidelity with my husband. A woman has her views on faithfulness, a man might have different views. A tragedy happens when it turns out to be that those views are not the same. It is important for partners to discuss where they stand when it comes to this uneasy question.

I often receive letters from women who have faced their men cheating on them. If a man doesn’t have enough of women when he is young, he tries to catch up when he is forty or fifty for example. You can play games with your life when you are twenty, thirty and fifty. The smarter the person is, the sooner he or she stops playing games and starts treating their life with respect. If you are lucky to meet «your» man early in life, you do need to be smart to appreciate it.

Question 22. My husband has a lover. What should I do?

I know that my husband has had a mistress for two years now. More than that, they openly communicate on social networks. What should I do to make him think? It seems to me that my mistake is in that I am not bitchy enough at the age of fifty.

Answer. Are you sure that your main problem is to make your husband turn his brain on? I think you are mistaken here. You are fifty and for the last two years you have been stressed. Let me point out that this kind of stress is one of the nastiest ones, because it involves uncertainty and doubtfulness. It means that all of your thoughts move in a vicious cycle. You are looking for a way out of the situation where not much depends on you, because there are two other adult people involved in this. Such long lasting stresses have negative consequences like depression or even cancer. I think that the only safe and normal way out is to give your husband freedom. Let him go until he decides what he wants. For the time being you need to stop having sex with him and start living separately.

Question 23. My husband writes poems dedicated to another woman.

I am currently having a very difficult family situation. I have been married for over twenty years. Three years ago he started communicating with a woman on-line. Before that they hadn’t known each other. The result of their communication is «love». In the last two years he has written around three hundred poems. They have met. The first time was about a year ago. They have had sex. According to him they love each other. He told me about this half a year ago. When he was saying these words, he looked like he was having a fit of passion. In the beginning he was saying that it was only friendship and that he loved me. I knew the truth though.

When he notified me about his feelings, I told him that I wasn’t going to beg him to stay. I needed him to think about everything. It’s been quite a long time since then. He hasn’t left me. Yet. They keep communicating. As far as I understand his new woman (by the way, she also has been married for over twenty years) lives far away from him. My husband said that he would do everything to be with her. However, he hasn’t done anything but writing poems so far. He has declared total freedom in my personal life (though he gets jealous all the time). He is not leaving me, because he has nowhere to go. In addition, he doesn’t have enough money to support two families. We have two sons who are eighteen right now.

This situation is humiliating for me. For a long time, I have considered her his unhealthy obsession. I don’t believe that you can know a person so well while talking via the Internet. I understand how she could become his inspiration and an object of dreams! I hope you also understand why.

I don’t want you to think that I humiliate myself, but I do forgive him a lot of things. Of course, it means nothing to him. He stays with me, even in bed. If I initiate sex, he often refuses. But after some time he starts to make passes. To make a long story short, I don’t completely understand what is going on and what I should be doing. We have talked on multiple occasions, but he hasn’t given me a definite answer. Maybe he is waiting for me to leave. Please advise something if you can.

Answer. Do you want to understand a man who acts like a child? I think that he doesn’t understand himself. There is nothing really to understand. He lives a fine life, he has sex and it is warm and clean in the house. A man rarely thinks about relationships. So you should decide for yourself how you can become happy. In my opinion, you think more about him than you do about yourself. He has found this pleasure in life and he is happy. You think about him and torture yourself. It doesn’t really matter if you have been together for ten, twenty or forty years. If you have different interests, he will find somebody he can share interests with. Here is your choice: you either find somebody that is «yours», or you try to prove to your husband that he has made a mistake.

Question 24. I think my partner will cheat on me soon.

Tell me how can I trust him again? I think that my beloved has cheated on me. I don’t have any proof, but my life has turned into a nightmare. I am afraid that he will be cheating on me.

Answer. I think your goal is wrong. You want to become blind instead of being able to see everything. You want to trust somebody you already don’t trust. I would set a different goal, a more beneficial one for you. I would become a woman who will be followed by men. I would become a woman that he would be afraid to lose and not vice versa. Start using your energy to achieve this goal. These thoughts about his possible infidelity are going to eat you up. Your man feels that you depend on him like a slave and he will get tired of you soon. We already know the end of this story.

When he sees that other men are fascinated by you, everything will change. Thus, your main goal should be to learn to charm men.

Chapter 9. Who are womanizers and how to live with them?

By the term «womanizer» we usually mean a man who is overly interested in women. It can also be added that womanizers court women. Having said that, I want to share my personal opinion here. I think that all normal men are womanizers. Yes, all of them! All normal men are really interested in women. The thing is that some of them hide this interest, some of them don’t and others (young or stupid) demonstrate it. I need to clarify one thing just in case. By normal men, I mean males who are capable of having sex. Nature made all men womanizers. Nature’s main goal is to maintain life. For humans it means procreation.

All creatures strive to preserve their species. I have seen many times how a man changes when he has been passed by a woman in the street. His posture now reminds of a hound who has gotten a sniff of some bird. When a woman passes a man, an animal instinct awakens in him. A man doesn’t think about it, but something prehistoric brings back this memory: as if he is a male bison chasing a female somewhere in a prairie.

Men often die at war. If there is no war, men usually die earlier than women do. That is why nature gave men the gene of a womanizer – to preserve humans as a species. Nature gave him the status of a sperm-provider no matter how crude this sounds. This is what we can see today on our planet: there are fewer men, yet women give birth to more children. This is what nature wants. Of course you are not interested in global processes. You are interested in one very specific man. So we are going to talk about him. He is a man, all men are womanizers and womanizers have three groups they all can be divided into. Let’s find out which group your man belongs to.

Demonstrators

The most obvious demonstrators are teenagers. Starting from the age of twelve-thirteen they get their first experience of touching a woman’s body (usually it is her breasts). Later in life they always try to press themselves against a woman’s behind – the closer, the more pleasant it is for the demonstrators. You can see such demonstrators in lines, public transportation and other public places. Men with unstable psyche can remain demonstrators even when they are much older.

I have heard from women that seemingly respectable men around forty-fifty years old would touch their buttocks. It would happen at work when they were walking upstairs together or would stay alone in an office. This is exactly what differs demonstrators from other womanizers. The former touch women even when women don’t give any signal that they want to be this close. Don’t despise demonstrators. I am sure that all men go through this phase. It is like a childhood infection that can affect anyone. However, there are men who are not very intelligent and they do degrade to being a demonstrator later in their lives. This is when we need to feel sorry for them.

Obvious ones

Women recognize these womanizers by the way they look at them. They ogle. They don’t hide their interest in women. They can easily talk on very personal topics or hint about a possible romantic relationship. They openly joke about that. An obvious womanizer can often be called a lady’s man or even Casanova. The majority of women when asked to describe a womanizer, actually picture an obvious one. Certainly all young men go through this phase and certainly not all of them mature up to the next one. There are cases when even men who do reach the next stage, still go down to the first one. Everything depends on how smart men are.

Hidden ones

Hidden womanizers are the smartest men. They are not going to stare at women they like. They are not going to let those women understand that they are interested in them. Hidden womanizers are intelligent (no matter what education they actually have) gentlemen. They look like reliable men with moralistic views who love their wives and children – perfect family guys. Since everything is well at home, they also work well. The economy of any country is supported by men like that. Hidden womanizers can have different temperaments of course. It is important to understand that they all still have the same trait – they are womanizers. Women shouldn’t forget about that.

What should women understand?

First of all, women should understand that being a womanizer is a normal state for any man. Regardless of how long they have been married, the way they look, how overweight and unhealthy they might be, how attached to their families they are, womanizers will always be interested in different women. Here is an example. My friend has a neighbor. Every year the neighbor’s father comes from Israel to visit. He stays with his son for a month or so. The neighbor’s father is eighty-three years old. Every time he comes to visit, he orders a hooker. Here we could of course speculate about how sane the man is. However, for me it is obvious that he is not happy with his wife. Since this has been repeating for twenty years, I can say that he has been unhappy for much longer.

A man’s temperament is not important for a woman at all. The thing is that one might need five women and another – a hundred and five different women. For a woman there is no difference – five or more. The point here is that he needs somebody else besides her. So what do we have? More and more women believe that all men are jerks and try to pay them back by starting affairs as well. If all men are womanizers, does it mean that marital fidelity is a myth? No, it’s not. There is one condition. A womanizer can find different women at home. They all are in one woman. This is what women should understand.

I should mention one more thing here. There are indeed men who are not just regular womanizers. They are more like Don Juan. Can women build relationships with men like that? Here is a list of criteria that will help you understand who is really in front of you:

● They don’t want to marry and have children. They have learnt to get only sex from their relationships. Some of them already have the experience of being husbands and fathers.

● They are smart. If they know how to listen to their brain and not their instincts, they can easily see disadvantages of marriage and parenthood.

● They are honest. They tell their lovers right away about their plans (or rather lack of plans) regarding marriage.

● They are courteous. They don’t want to lose their lovers and then spend their time on finding new ones.

● They are interesting interlocutors. They always entertain their lovers.

● They can even spend their money on you, but not a lot.

● They could be wonderful husbands. They have everything you need with one exception – they don’t have love for you.

● They don’t let themselves fall in love. If they do fall in love, they might marry and being married for them is like death.

● When you get tired of them not loving you, they will quickly replace you with somebody new. They always have a list of candidates to avoid life without sex.

These men cunningly set their positions: they are perfect, their values and lives in general are perfect too. The women they have relationships with are reminded that they are slightly lacking something to be considered perfect. It is very convenient, because they can be having affairs for as long as their women have the patience. If you want to make sure that your man is not one of those, you should try to remember if he has ever acted like a loving man. For example, he has sacrificed something for you. And he did it not because he needed sex, but because he wanted to make you happy.

Don Juans will break your heart. They are usually too attractive not to fall in love with them. Before you let yourself go crazy about a certain man, think about what you actually want. What kind of relationships will be humiliating for you? What conditions should be met for you to be happy in this relationship? How long will this happiness last? After you have thought everything through, write it down. It might look like this, for example, «I am ready to have a lover for six months. I don’t need his soul. I don’t want a marriage certificate with our names on it. I am not going to go out with him. I just need him in my bed, at my place. I am seeing him only when I want that, when I want sex and not when he wants it.» This way you will have a relationship based on your conditions.

This is my main advice – have it your way, your relationship – your conditions. Then you won’t be miserable but fully satisfied with your life. And you won’t regret about those years when some man was using you.

Question 25. My husband looks at other women. Is it normal?

My husband and I love each other and we are good friends to each other. But he always follows every woman with his eyes. Every woman nearby can cause a bad mood for me. My husband claims that all men stare at women and that there is nothing to worry about. I am trying to understand him. Maybe I am too jealous and untrusting.

Answer. The way out of this situation is very easy. Don’t go out with your husband. If he invites you to go somewhere, tell him that his behavior is unpleasant for you. «I understand you. I also like to look at attractive people whether they are men or women. However, I need you to understand me too. I am going to the theater with my girlfriend and to that wedding I am going alone.» I never go somewhere where I am not going to feel good and I never go with somebody who is going to make me feel uncomfortable. It is very normal. Do you love yourself? Then why would you put yourself in a humiliating situation? Of course you could find an excuse that to look at other women is a physiological need for men. Guess what – to scratch ourselves in certain places is also a need, but we still don’t do that in public.

I would think everything through if I were you. When a man doesn’t understand that he should be protecting a woman, is he really a man? He looks more like a boy. Let’s say that his actions keep humiliating you. This is when you should make a decision: he either changes, or you break up with him. If he doesn’t change, then he hasn’t matured up to being a man. Why do you need a boy then? He shows you his disrespect. You say that when you are alone with him, everything is fine. Maybe it is really so and he does care about you. Then he will become afraid to lose you and start changing himself. If he refuses to change himself, then you can tell him to look for another woman. And you will go a different way – to a different man.

Chapter 10. Can any person become faithful?

I think that yes, any person can become faithful. If not with you, then with a different woman. If not today, then in a year, two, five or twenty. Any man is a potential one-woman man. So why are there so many polygamous men around? I have one main explanation of this. It is lack of common sense. I measure common sense with adequate behavior of a person in different situations. A situation of happiness implies that there is one woman in a man’s heart and one man in a woman’s heart. If a person has reached a lot in his or her career, is successful financially and recognized socially, then I can say that this person is very intelligent. However, if this person puts his or her job ahead of normal life values, then I can say that this person lacks common sense.

This person depends on the opinion of the majority. He or she is not free. This person is trapped by stereotypes. I strongly believe that when it comes to a man, without a woman in his heart, he can’t let himself be free. That is why a woman was created for happiness. A man without a woman was meant to work hard like a slave. All women understand that even when they are young girls. Not all men understand that even when they become old men. All men become monogamous. It is a matter of time. Smart ones get it early on and they are happy for many years. Others have different scenarios.

Women also need more than one man. So they also have a choice. They can either find a lover, then one more lover, and one more lover, or they can find the best qualities of other men in their husbands. And stay faithful. If you choose the first option, then it is an open relationship. You can’t expect him not to cheat on you then.

Do you want to find the one and only man? A monogamous man. You will have one if he feels that he is free. The same applies to a woman. Freedom and faithfulness can and will go together if you are the most feminine woman for him and he is the most masculine man for you. So this is your goal – to become the most feminine woman for him.

Chapter 11. Sex, sex, sex

In recent years the mass media has been filled with a lot of sexual content. This has changed our younger and older girls. In the past it was shameful to be getting married being «not a girl» anymore. Nowadays the situation is quite the opposite. Girls are comfortable talking about it, even in public and even holding a microphone. Movies are made by men. Romantic novels are written by women under order of men. Books and newspapers are published by men. Men want to have sex, because nature told them to procreate. That is why men impose this desire on women.

Today, in any chick lit there is sex. And it is not just a half an hour simple bed scene. It lasts all night! The entire page is filled with orgasms that happen one after another until morning. I am not going to go into anatomic and scientific details here. I just want to say that it doesn’t happen this way in real life. It is just like with food. A human being can’t be eating sandwiches ten hours in a row. Nature made it this way that our hunger gets satisfied much faster than that. The same way our body is not meant to last ten hours of sexual intercourse. It is interesting though, that the word «sex» is used in our everyday life more often than words like «bread» or «water».

When I say that men have a different kind of sexual hunger, a lot of women get unhappy. They say that they also suffer without sex just like men do. Nature made men in charge of the population. In order for men not to be lazy nature gifted them with this agonizing (and sometimes literally painful) craving for sex. There is one very obvious difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Women can conceive a child without an orgasm, while men can’t. They should have an orgasm to ejaculate.

This urge to have an orgasm is a vital need for men. Women, no matter how passionate they are, can’t feel the same way. I am not saying that women don’t want to have an orgasm. All I am saying is that men need it a lot more. The urge is stronger and not the orgasm itself. I can compare it with a certain talent. All people are talented, but only very developed talents can actually control and move people to do something.

A sexual preference is a deeply subconscious thing. So when a man has picked a woman and that very woman has picked that very man, they both need to make sure that their sexual preference is supported. Sexual interest should be stirred up to avoid a change of roles in bed. There always should be «man-woman» roles in bed (not «father-mother» or «sister-brother»). I think that almost all cases of a divorce happen when one of the partners loses his or her sexual interest in the other partner. And it doesn’t matter what reasons partners will be naming. If a woman starts to yell at her children, her voice stops being arousing for her man. And that’s it! Don’t forget that you and your partner exchange energy even if you both are silent.

Men value smart women’s thoughts. These thoughts charge the air around us and we want thunder and lightning. If a woman wants to charm men around her, she should be energetic. In a woman everything should radiate energy, including her face. Here is an example. If you see several women singing pretty well, you still pay attention to the one who has an «alive» face and darts flirting glances.

Now let’s go back to sex. For a woman sex is a means of satisfaction and nothing more. For a man sex is a vital need. Satisfaction can be delayed while the vital need can’t. That is why we can see a man who wants sex no matter what moral values there are, and a woman who wants sex sort of lazily.

Question 26. He doesn’t want me. Why?

I have been married for eight years. In the last six months my husband has been refusing to have sex always explaining his unwillingness with some negative circumstances: it is too light or too hot, there are some strange smells or sounds in the room (only he can smell or hear them), he needs to work or there is not time, I am wearing something that he doesn’t like the feel of, etc. This started after I told him that I didn’t want to have this automatic and emotionless sex, always at the same time and in the same position. That having been said, he doesn’t have any problems with virility and he is not cheating on me. As a result, I have the role of the one who is asking for something and constantly being refused.

I don’t have any thoughts in my head other than to threaten him with finding a lover (at least a virtual one to begin with). I have heard that sometimes women use this technique quite effectively no matter how extreme it might be.

Answer. Sex is something very personal. People should be free when it comes to that. Your husband for some reason could give you only this «emotionless» kind of sex. You told him that you didn’t want that. However, he cannot give you anything else right now. That is why he decided to avoid it altogether. You need to think about reasons here and not about how to manipulate him and make matters worse. If you do scare him, it will not lead to more sensitive sex. Try to change yourself to make your husband admire you. Make your conversations with him desirable and addictive for him. Look at how much he works and sleeps. Maybe he is really exhausted. Then sex is indeed not a priority for him right now!

Question 27. Sex scares me.

I was once humiliated by a man during sex. Now I am afraid of men and I am afraid of sex too. What should I do?

Answer. You are transferring your resentment from a person onto a situation. You were hurt by a specific man. What you need to do is to learn how to recognize people like that right away. This should be your goal. Sex is not important in this situation. If you were offended by a massage therapist, would you become afraid of massage in general?

Question 28. What if he has problems in the bedroom?

My significant other sometimes fails to achieve an orgasm. I comfort him and tell him that it is alright. Yet I see that he is becoming withdrawn.

Answer. It is very likely that your significant other is worried about his problems with sex. The more failures he has, the more often he can think that it might be different with a different woman. He probably is busy searching for somebody new. You want to comfort him and so you tell him that sex is wonderful. Of course he doesn’t believe you! In this situation, if a man really means a lot to you, I would be telling him that sex is not that important. Being together is what’s important.

Question 29. He doesn’t want to be having sex all night long. Is it normal?

My boyfriend became my husband and now he doesn’t want to have sex all night with a lot of passion. It doesn’t really bother me, but my friends tell me that it should. What do you think about it?

Answer. I think that frequent sex «all night with a lot of passion» is an image created by books and movies. In real life emotions and passion like that are impossible. It would exhaust you. It is not a normal situation. Women often want to experience feelings like that because they themselves have so much energy. Try and direct this energy in a different sphere of your life, for example, your career or something creative.

Chapter 12. What does he expect from sex?

Two thirds of a man’s love is based on sex. They like it when their wives think about sex and even plan it. The point is not in sex itself. The point is in the interest in sex. What woman is good in bed? Any woman you see any where: on a train, in a park, in a café, etc. It is a woman who can give the necessary emotions. A man sometimes needs passion in bed, sometimes – tenderness and always – comfort. He often needs sex instead of sleeping pills.

Sex for men is a vital need, for women it is almost always a pleasure. Here is proof of that – there are many women who live for decades without sex and without men. And they are quite happy. On the other hand, I know some very vigorous and energetic women who have plenty of male hormones in them. They act like men and need an orgasm at least two times a week. Male sexuality is different and wives should understand that. Statistics are quite curious by the way: single women live longer than married ones, whereas married men live longer than bachelors.

Don’t think that in order to have great sex with you your man needs your perfect nails, clean hair and slim belly. He probably won’t even notice that. He needs your participation in sex, your admiration and pleasure! Sometimes he needs sex just to be able to go to sleep. Women can say «no» to having sex if they think that they don’t look good enough. It’s as if women get aroused by the surroundings or their own beautiful reflection in a mirror. I am going to repeat one more time that men just need to feel wanted and loved for who they are and not for the money and power they might possess.

It doesn’t mean that you need to be passionate every night. All women have different temperaments. Maybe you need an orgasm once in every ten days. So when you are working on this orgasm, do your best to be sexually-unfettered. And in the next nine days your man will be thinking about your orgasm. Find a position in which it will be comfortable for you to reach an orgasm. Don’t be shy and don’t worry that it is always the same position. Very often a woman chooses one or two positions, not more. Do whatever is comfortable for you! Tell your man what he should be doing for your pleasure. It is possible that he won’t figure it out on his own for the rest of his life. Your biggest mistakes are shyness and silence. A bed is not a place where you need to be shy.

I am not urging women to be unable to say no and to always be willing to have sex. On the contrary, your man is happy to try and work hard to «conquer» you and to «possess» you. He will be chasing you and you will be running away as it was planned by nature. However, sometimes you need to show initiative, because men are proud of the fact that women want them. When your man really wants sex, and you for some reason are ready only to «assist» him, tell him about it in the very beginning. You can come up with a funny phrase to describe this kind of behavior, for example, «I am playing the role of timber today» or something like that.

I don’t recommend pretending when it comes to passion and an orgasm. It is deception that can ruin your relationship even if it is hidden. If your man suspects that you lie in bed, he will stop trusting you in everything else. The sooner you will find the button that turns his passion on, the better. For some men this button gets pushed when women tell stories about their former partners or sexual fantasies, for other men – when women moan or, on the contrary, don’t make a sound. Look for that button.

The main pleasure for men is not our orgasm – it is the realization that they possess real females. These females are natural, capricious, naughty, headstrong but conquered by them. If a man doesn’t have this feeling, then something is lost and a woman is to be blamed for this loss. It means that a woman hasn’t made her man her priority.

Question 30. If there is no sex, does it make sense to stay together?

My husband and I are like colleagues. We support each other and we take care of each other, but we haven’t been interested in each other like a man and a woman for a long time now. We have talked about it many times and even mentioned getting a divorce. But we are sort of used to each other. On the other hand, there was no sexual desire. We decided to have a baby. Things became even worse after we had the baby. I want to leave him. I am young. But I am afraid to hurt him. Maybe I should leave him after all? Maybe we should try and work things out?

Answer. I think that if your husband is sexually interested in other women, then you shouldn’t pity him. You are occupying somebody else’s place and he is doing the same. Maybe it is easier to break up now, peacefully. Do it before one of you finds somebody else and it gets ugly with possible scandals and other unpleasant scenes. You have a child together. That is why it is important to stay friends. It doesn’t mean that you should live together for a father to be a father. A father is a protector. He can be a protector even if he lives somewhere else. A divorce doesn’t have to be a tragedy; it can be a celebration. To tell you the truth though, I am strongly against divorces. I honestly think that in your situation the relationship can be saved.

Conclusion

I hope that I was able to open your eyes to see some obvious things and simple ways to achieve your goals. The most important thing is that everything depends only on you. Only you can change things that surround you. And it is wonderful, isn’t it? It would be unbelievably difficult to trust a big part of your life to somebody else. Only you, and one more time – only you, know what makes you happy and what is a happy relationship for you.

A recipe for happiness is individual for each of us. That is why it is necessary to understand one more vital thing. A relationship is something that should bring you joy. Not pain, emotional discomfort, depression or aggression. It should be joy and happiness. That is what any romantic relationship is for. Remember this one though: «Ladies, we never stay where we don’t feel good or where we feel that we are hurting.» We deserve the best and most amazing things that exist in this world.

With love,

Ann Yang

The author's work was used to design the cover of the publication.