An Evening with a Conjuror
Scene —A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited and low-spirited, and may perhaps number – including the Attendants – eighteen. The only people in the front seats are a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal under a caped coat, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better – or worse – of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly
First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway). Reg'lar turnin' em away to-night, we are!
Second Sardonic Attendant. He come up to me afore he goes to the pay-box, and sez he – "Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I think we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.
[The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano. Herr Von Kamberwohl, the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.
Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent). Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin' I 'ave most hemphadically to repoodiate hall assistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight of 'and or Ledger-dee-Mang! (He invites any member of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain coy.) I see zat I 'ave not to night so larsh an orjence to select from as usual, still I 'ope – (Here one of the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the platform.) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair much oblige to you, Sare. (The Confederate grins sheepishly.) Led me see – I seem to remember your face some'ow. (Broader grin from Confederate.) Hah you vos 'ere last night? – zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (Reckless shake of the head from Confederate.) I thought nod. Vair vell. You 'ave nevaire done any dricks mit carts – no? Bot you will dry? You never dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (He pauses for a laugh – which doesn't come.) Now, Sare, you know a cart ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (The Confederate fumbles.) I don't vish to 'urry you – but I vant you to mike 'aste – &c., &c.
The Man in Evening Dress. I remember giving Bimbo, the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that trick – there was nothing in it.
First Lady in Plush Cloak. And can you do it?
The M. in E. D. (guardedly). Well, I don't know that I could exactly do it now– but I know how it's done.
[He explains elaborately how it is done
Herr V. K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may leave off). Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz the Invisible 'En. And I shall be moch oblige if any shentilmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for ze purpose of my exberiment.
The M. in E. D. Here's mine – it's quite at your service. [To his companions.] This is a stale old trick, he merely – (explains as before). But you wait and see how I'll score off him over it!
Herr V. K. (to the M. in E. D.). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?
The M. in E. D. (with a wink to his neighbours). On the contrary, there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.
Herr V. K. (diving into the hat). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer —and anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?
The M. in E. D. Invariably – to keep my head cool; so hand them over, please; I want them.
[His Companions titter, and declare "it really is too bad of him!"
Herr V. K. Bresently, Sare, – zere is somtings ailse, it feels loike – yes, it ees – a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!
The M. in E. D. (with rather feeble indignation). I never said there were.
Herr V. K. No, zere is no mahouse – bot – [diving again] – ha! a leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad – and one, two, dree more vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike the vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [The Audience snigger.] Oh, bot vait – zis is a most gonvenient 'at – [extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen] – ze shentelman is vairy domestic I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot business man, he knows ow von must hadvertise in zese' ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
[He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen – chiefly in the eye – until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them
The M. in E. D. (much annoyed). Infernal liberty! Confounded impudence! Shouldn't have had my hat if I'd known he was going to play the fool with it like this!
First Lady in Plush Cloak. But I thought you knew what was coming?
The M. in E. D. So I did – but this fellow does it differently.
[Herr Von K. is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a blunderbuss into a crystal casket
A Lady with Nerves (to her husband). John, I'm sure he's going to let that thing off!
John (a Brute). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. I can't help it.
The L. with N. You could if you liked – you could tell him my nerves won't stand it – the trick will be every bit as good if he only pretends to fire, I'm sure.
John. Oh, nonsense! – You can stand it very well if you like.
The L. with N. I can't, John… There, he's raising it to his shoulder. John, I must go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I know I shall!
John. No, no – what's the use? He'll have fired long before you get to the door. Much better stay where you are, and do your screaming sitting down. (The Conjuror fires.) There, you see, you didn't scream, after all!
The L. with N. I screamed to myself– which is ever so much worse for me; but you never will understand me till it's too late!
[Herr Von K. performs another trick
First Lady in Plush Cloak. That was very clever, wasn't it? I can't imagine how it was done!
The M. in E. D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still rankling). Oh, can't you? Simplest thing in the world – any child could do it!
Second Lady. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when they were all corded up, and sealed!
The M. in E. D. You don't mean to say you were taken in by that! Why, it was another rabbit, of course!
First Lady. But even if it was another rabbit, it was wearing the borrowed watch round its neck.
The M. in E. D. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the boxes have false bottoms.
Second L. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine.
The M. in E. D. Boxes – but not those boxes.
First L. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was holding it all the time in a paper bag?
The M. in E. D. Ah, I saw how it was done – but it would take too long to explain it now. I have seen it so well performed that you couldn't spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer!
Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing). Lyties and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional like myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now – [suddenly abandoning his accent] – I am always griteful for hanythink that will distrack the attention of the orjence from what is going on upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin' my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what he 'as been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of 'is hexplanation more puffickly than what some of you in the back benches have done itherto. Now, Sir, if you'll kindly repeat your very hinteresting remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on between like. [Murmurs of "No no!" "Shut up!" "We don't want to hear him!" from various places; The Man in Evening Dress subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which continues during the remainder of the performance.
At the Tudor Exhibition
IN THE CENTRAL HALL
The usual Jocose 'Arry (who has come here with 'Arriet, for no very obvious reason, as they neither of them know or care about any history but their own). Well, I s'pose as we are 'ere, we'd better go in a buster for a book o' the words, eh? (To Commissionaire.) What are yer doin' them c'rect guides at, ole man? A shillin'? Not me! 'Ere, 'Arriet, we'll make it out for ourselves.
A Young Man (who has dropped in for five minutes – "just to say he's been, don't you know"). 'Jove —my Aunt! Nip out before she spots me… Stop, though, suppose she has spotted me? Never can tell with giglamps … better not risk it. [Is "spotted" while hesitating.
His Aunt. I didn't recognise you till just this moment, John, my boy. I was just wishing I had some one to read out all the extracts in the Catalogue for me; now we can go round together.
[John affects a dutiful delight at this suggestion, and wonders mentally if he can get away in time to go to afternoon tea with those pretty Chesterton Girls
An Uncle (who has taken Master Tommy out for the afternoon). This is the way to make your English History real to you, my boy!
[Tommy, who had cherished hopes of Covent Garden Circus, privately thinks that English History is a sufficiently unpleasant reality as it is, and conceives a bitter prejudice against the entire Tudor Period on the spot
The Intelligent Person. Ha! armour of the period, you see!
(Feels bound to make an intelligent remark.) 'Stonishing how the whole art of war has been transformed since then, eh? Now – to me – (as if he was conscious of being singular in this respect) – to me, all this is most interesting. Coming as I do, fresh from Froude —
His Companion (a Flippant Person). Don't speak so loud. If they know you've come in here fresh, you'll get turned out!
Patronising Persons (inspecting magnificent suit of russet and gilt armour). 'Pon my word, no idea they turned out such good work in those times – very creditable to them, really.
BEFORE THE PORTRAITS
The Uncle. Now, Tommy, you remember what became of Katherine of Aragon, I'm sure? No, no – tut – tut —she wasn't executed! I'm afraid you're getting rather rusty with these long holidays. Remind me to speak to your mother about setting you a chapter or so of history to read every day when we get home, will you?
Tommy (to himself). It is hard lines on a chap having a Sneak for an Uncle! Catch me swotting to please him!
'Arry. There's old 'Enery the Eighth, you see – that's 'im right enough; him as 'ad all those wives, and cut every one of their 'eds off!
'Arriet (admiringly). Ah, I knew we shouldn't want a Catalogue.
The Int. P. Wonderfully Holbein's caught the character of the man – the – er – curious compound of obstinacy, violence, good-humour, sensuality, and – and so on. No mistaking a Holbein – you can tell him at once by the extraordinary finish of all the accessories. Now look at that girdle – isn't that Holbein all over?
Flippant P. Not quite all over, old fellow. Catalogue says it's painted by Paris Bordone.
The Int. P. Possibly – but it's Holbein's manner, and, looking at these portraits, you see at once how right Froude's estimate was of the King.
F. P. Does Froude say how he got that nasty one on the side of his nose?
A Visitor. Looks overfed, don't he?
Second V. (sympathetically). Oh, he fed himself very well; you can see that.
The Aunt. Wait a bit, John – don't read so fast. I haven't made out the middle background yet. And where's the figure of St. Michael rising above the gilt tent, lined with fleurs-de-lis on a blue ground? Would this be Guisnes, or Ardres, now? Oh, Ardres on the right – so that's Ardres – yes, yes; and now tell me what it says about the two gold fountains, and that dragon up in the sky.
[John calculates that, at this rate, he has a very poor chance of getting away before the Gallery closes
The Patronising Persons. 'Um! Holbein again, you see – very curious their ideas of painting in those days. Ah, well, Art has made great progress since then – like everything else!
Miss Fisher. So that's the beautiful Queen Mary! I wonder if it is really true that people have got better-looking since those days?
[Glances appealingly at Phlegmatic Fiancé
Her Phlegmatic Fiancé. I wonder.
Miss F. You hardly ever see such small hands now, do you? With those lovely long fingers, too!
The Phl. F. No, never.
Miss F. Perhaps people in some other century will wonder how anybody ever saw anything to admire in us?
The Phl. F. Shouldn't be surprised.
[Miss F. does wish secretly that Charles had more conversation
The Aunt. John, just find out who No. 222 is.
John (sulkily). Sir George Penruddocke, Knight.
His Aunt (with enthusiasm). Of course —how interesting this is, isn't it? – seeing all these celebrated persons exactly as they were in life! Now read who he was, John, please.
The Int. Person. Froude tells a curious incident about —
Flippant P. I tell you what it is, old chap, if you read so much history, you'll end by believing it!
The Int. P. (pausing before the Shakspeare portraits). "He was not for an age, but for all time."
The Fl. P. I suppose that's why they've painted none of them alike.
A Person with a talent for Comparison. Mary, come here a moment. Do look at this – "Elizabeth, Lady Hoby" – did you ever see such a likeness?
Mary. Well, dear, I don't quite —
The Person with, &c. It's her living image! Do you mean to say you really don't recognise it? – Why, Cook, of course!
Mary. Ah! (apologetically) – but I've never seen her dressed to go out, you know.
The Uncle. "No. 13, Sir Rowland Hill, Lord Mayor, died 1561" —
Tommy (anxious to escape the threatened chapters if possible). I know about him, Uncle, he invented postage stamps!
OVER THE CASES
First Patronising P. "A Tooth of Queen Katherine Parr." Dear me! very quaint.
Second P. P. (tolerantly). And not at all a bad tooth, either.
'Arriet (comes to a case containing a hat labelled as formerly belonging to Henry the Eighth). 'Arry, look 'ere; fancy a king going about in a thing like that – pink with a green feather! Why, I wouldn't be seen in it myself!
'Arry. Ah, but that was ole 'Enery all over, that was; he wasn't one for show. He liked a quiet, unassumin' style of 'at, he did. "None of yer loud pot 'ats for Me!" he'd tell the Royal 'atters; "find me a tile as won't attract people's notice, or you won't want a tile yerselves in another minute!" An' you may take yer oath they served him pretty sharp, too!
'Arriet (giggling). It's a pity they didn't ask you to write their Catalogue for 'em.
The Aunt. John, you're not really looking at that needlework – it's Queen Elizabeth's own work, John. Only look how wonderfully fine the stitches are. Ah, she was a truly great woman! I could spend hours over this case alone. What, closing are they, already? We must have another day at this together, John – just you and I.
John. Yes, Aunt. And now – (thinks there is just time to call on the Chestertons, if he goes soon) – can I get you a cab, or put you into a 'bus or anything?
His Aunt. Not just yet; you must take me somewhere where I can get a bun and a cup of tea first, and then we can go over the Catalogue together, and mark all the things we missed, you know.
[John resigns himself to the inevitable rather than offend his wealthy relative; the Intelligent Person comes out, saying he has had "an intellectual treat" and intends to "run through Froude again" that evening. 'Arry and 'Arriet, depart to the "Ocean Wave" at Hengler's. Gallery gradually clears as Scene closes in
In an Omnibus
The majority of the inside passengers, as usual, sit in solemn silence, and gaze past their opposite neighbours into vacancy. A couple of Matrons converse in wheezy whispers
First Matron. Well, I must say a bus is pleasanter riding than what they used to be not many years back, and then so much cheaper, too. Why you can go all the way right from here to Mile End Road for threepence!
Second Matron. What, all that way for threepence – (with an impulse of vague humanity). The poor 'orses!
First Matron. Ah, well, my dear, it's Competition, you know, – it don't do to think too much of it.
Conductor (stopping the bus). Orchard Street, Lady!
[To Second Matron, who had desired to be put down there
Second Matron (to Conductor). Just move on a few doors further, opposite the boot-shop. (To First Matron.) It will save us walking.
Conductor. Cert'inly, Mum, we'll drive in and wait while you're tryin' 'em on, if you like —we ain't in no 'urry!
[The Matrons get out, and their places are taken by two young girls, who are in the middle of a conversation of thrilling interest
First Girl. I never liked her myself – ever since the way she behaved at his Mother's that Sunday.
Second Girl. How did she behave?
[A faint curiosity is discernible amongst the other passengers to learn how she – whoever she is – behaved that Sunday
First Girl. Why, it was you told me! You remember. That night Joe let out about her and the automatic scent fountain.
Second Girl. Oh, yes, I remember now. (General disappointment.) I couldn't help laughing myself. Joe didn't ought to have told – but she needn't have got into such a state over it, need she?
First Girl. That was Eliza all over. If George had been sensible, he'd have broken it off then and there – but no, he wouldn't hear a word against her, not at that time – it was the button-hook opened his eyes!
[The other passengers strive to dissemble a frantic desire to know how and why this delicate operation was performed
Second Girl (mysteriously). And enough too! But what put George off most was her keeping that bag so quiet.
[The general imagination is once more stirred to its depths by this mysterious allusion
First Girl. Yes, he did feel that, I know, he used to come and go on about it to me by the hour together. "I shouldn't have minded so much," he told me over and over again, with the tears standing in his eyes, – "if it hadn't been that the bottles was all silver-mounted!"
Second Girl. Silver-mounted? I never heard of that before – no wonder he felt hurt!
First Girl (impressively). Silver tops to every one of them – and that girl to turn round as she did, and her with an Uncle in the oil and colour line, too – it nearly broke George's 'art!
Second Girl. He's such a one to take on about things – but, as I said to him, "George," I says, "You must remember it might have been worse. Suppose you'd been married to that girl, and then found out about Alf and the Jubilee sixpence – how would that have been?"
First Girl (unconsciously acting as the mouthpiece of the other passengers). And what did he say to that?
Second Girl. Oh, nothing – there was nothing he could say, but I could see he was struck. She behaved very mean to the last – she wouldn't send back the German concertina.
First Girl. You don't say so! Well, I wouldn't have thought that of her, bad as she is.
Second Girl. No, she stuck to it that it wasn't like a regular present, being got through a grocer, and as she couldn't send him back the tea, being drunk, – but did you hear how she treated Emma over the crinoline 'at she got for her?
First Girl (to the immense relief of the rest). No, what was that?
Second Girl. Well, I had it from Emma her own self. Eliza wrote up to her and says, in a postscript like, – Why, this is Tottenham Court Road, I get out here. Good-bye, dear, I must tell you the rest another day.
[Gets out, leaving the tantalised audience inconsolable, and longing for courage to question her companion as to the precise details of Eliza's heartless behaviour to George. The companion, however, relapses into a stony reserve. Enter a Chatty Old Gentleman who has no secrets from anybody, and of course selects as the first recipient of his confidence the one person who hates to be talked to in an omnibus
The Chatty O. G. I've just been having a talk with the policeman at the corner there – what do you think I said to him?
His Opposite Neighbour. I – I really don't know.
THE C. O. G. Well, I told him he was a rich man compared to me. He said "I only get thirty shillings a week, Sir." "Ah," I said, "but look at your expenses, compared to mine. What would you do if you had to spend eight hundred a year on your children's education?" I spend that – every penny of it, Sir.
His Opp. N. (utterly uninterested). Do you indeed? – dear me!
C. O. G. Not that I grudge it – a good education is a fortune in itself, and as I've always told my boys, they must make the best of it, for it's all they'll get. They're good enough lads, but I've had a deal of trouble with them one way and another – a deal of trouble. (Pauses for some expression of sympathy – which does not come – and he continues:) There are my two eldest sons – what must they do but fall in love with the same lady – the same lady, Sir! (No one seems to care much for these domestic revelations – possibly because they are too obviously addressed to the general ear). And, to make matters worse, she was a married woman – (his principal hearer looks another way uneasily) – the wife of a godson of mine, which made it all the more awkward, y'know. (His Opposite Neighbour giving no sign, the C. O. G. tries one Passenger after another.) Well, I went to him – (here he fixes an old Lady, who immediately passes up coppers out of her glove to the Conductor) – I went to him, and said – (addressing a smartly dressed young Lady with a parcel who giggles) – I said, "You're a man of the world – so am I. Don't you take any notice," I told him – (this to a callow young man, who blushes) – "they're a couple of young fools," I said, "but you tell your dear wife from me not to mind those boys of mine – they'll soon get tired of it if they're only let alone." And so they would have, long ago, it's my belief, if they'd met with no encouragement – but what can I do – it's a heavy trial to a father, you know. Then there's my third son – he must needs go and marry – (to a Lady at his side with a reticule, who gasps faintly) – some young woman who dances at a Music-hall – nice daughter-in-law that for a man in my position, eh? I've forbidden him the house of course, and told his mother not to have any communication with him – but I know, Sir, – (violently, to a Man on his other side, who coughs in much embarrassment) – I know she meets him once a week under the eagle in Orme Square, and I can't stop her! Then I'm worried about my daughters – one of 'em gave me no peace till I let her have some painting lessons – of course, I naturally thought the drawing-master would be an elderly man – whereas, as things turned out, —
A QUIET MAN IN A CORNER. I 'ope you told all this to the Policeman, Sir?
The C. O. G. (flaming unexpectedly). No, Sir, I did not. I am not in the habit – whatever you may be – of discussing my private affairs with strangers. I consider your remark highly impertinent, Sir.
[Fumes in silence for the rest of the journey
The Young Lady with the Parcel (to her friend – for the sake of vindicating her gentility). Oh, my dear, I do feel so funny, carrying a great brown-paper parcel, in a bus, too! Any one would take me for a shop-girl!
A Grim Old Lady Opposite. And I only hope, my dear, you'll never be taken for any one less respectable.
[Collapse of Genteel Y.L
First Humorous 'Arry (recognising a friend on entering). Excuse me stoppin' your kerridge, old man, but I thought you wouldn't mind givin' me a lift, as you was goin' my way.
Second H. 'A. Quite welcome, old chap, so long as you give my man a bit when you git down, yer know.
First H. 'A. Oh, o' course – that's expected between gentlemen.
(Both look round to see if their facetiousness is appreciated, find it is not and subside.)
The Conductor. Benk, benk! (he means "Bank") 'Oborn, benk! 'Igher up there, Bill, can't you?
A Dingy Man smoking, in a van. Want to block up the ole o' the road, eh? That's right!
The Conductor (roused to personality). Go 'ome, Dirty Dick! syme old soign, I see, – "Monkey an' Poipe!" (To Coachman of smart brougham which is pressing rather closely behind.) I say old man, don't you race after my bus like this – you'll only tire your 'orse.
[The Coachman affects not to have heard
The Conductor (addressing the brougham horse, whose head is almost through the door of the omnibus). 'Ere, 'ang it all! – step insoide, if yer want to!